I’ve been so busy trying to keep up with my life that I haven’t even had time to think about sitting down and writing. My partner and I have been spending all of our free time together. We haven’t been dating all that long but we’ve been friends for 5 years and had feelings for almost the whole time if not the whole time. We essentially live together now, a lot of our friends think it’s too fast but they don’t know what we do. That we’ve discussed what we want in a relationship for years. That we have always had great communication.

That we almost moved in as friends last year, when I was broke and scared I couldn’t keep my place. I knew even then that I really loved this man and I wanted to be with him, but I also knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had to work on me and continue to prove that I could do it alone. Which fast forward to almost a year and a half later, we hung out thinking it was just a lovely visit… it absolutely turned into more.

One of the biggest things I was attracted to was not only his stability, but also his patience. Where most people want someone unhinged and unstable, (me for a long time, not only in my taste of partners but also in the way I was as a person.) I find the stability to be amazing. I love that he waited for me to be ready to be in a relationship, that he is sweet and smart. I love that he hasn’t gotten mad at me for being human and making mistakes like a lot of my exes did.

But can we talk about the elephant in the room? The fear that comes with complex PTSD. After years of being abused by friends, family, partners; I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s wild because he has never given me a reason to be worried, or to fear that he is going to hurt me. I got back on Facebook recently for one reason or another. I don’t post but I scroll my memes and reels sometimes. After not being on there for over a year, my feed is epic memes and videos calling me out for being in the state I’m in right now. Healing and very non-linear in my healing. I am so much better/ different than I was a year ago. I am no where near the neurotic mess he’s known for half a decade.

However, I am seeing where my distrust comes into play, where I get anxious because of what I have been through. I am very open with him about what I’m feeling and why. We talk through the triggers and trauma responses, about the fact that some things I was able to heal on my own but others, I will have to experience something new, like a healthy relationship or friendship, to truly heal. I’ve talked to him about how I know that this is my trauma talking and I can handle it. He gives me reassurances and puts his money where his mouth is so to speak. Calmly and rationally he explains how he knows what I am going through and that I am not too much. That he’s happy and wants me here.

I have never felt so wanted in my life. I’ve felt coveted, needed for survival, like a prisoner in my own home. But until now, I’ve never felt loved and wanted just because I am a good person and I make someone happy.

Now this isn’t the only thing going on. Mr, Babyzilla has had what feels like a million and one appointments, I am working really hard to get things set up for TRE, I have a couple potential job opportunities so I can leave this one, and I am just trying to keep my head above water and remind myself I can’t just rage quit my job, My shifts are too long, we are always incredibly short staffed, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been here for over a year and there are no raises, no incentives, just nothing that makes the job worth slaving away for. I applied for an in home care position and for a recovery center. So we will see what happens.

Until next time my loves, I am going to get back to my household chores and teasing my partner that I would be a great stay at home partner/ housewife.