I should be sleeping right now but I am up writing this and watching a show to breathe and unwind. I finally understand why my parents were so exhausted all the time. The boys drive me bat shit but I love them. They love each other but also drive each other up a wall.

They fight over the toys, my attention, the tv. They want all of it to themselves forgetting they have to share. My oldest has been overly greedy with my attention because he misses me. The baby misses me too but he sees me every day. My oldest went two weeks without seeing me as he visited California with his dad a couple weekends and still had school. I got him a week ago and have one week left before we start our 50/50 one week on one week off for the summer. It’s almost harder having him than not sometimes.

Not because I don’t love him and miss the shit out of him but because my life is so busy and draining these days,. Having two monkeys to care for instead of two at all times is hard and man these kids can eat me out of house and home. There are three of us two get ready, three of us to bathe, three of us to feed and entertain, and so on. There is also the fact he is extremely ADHD and the little is special needs undiagnosed with anything but learning delays and showing heavy signs of ADHD and possibly Autism at three years old.

These kids are amazing and so much fun but they also use me as human stim machine/ jungle gym and yes I know that is normal but it is difficult when you are one parent to two children who love you, miss you, and want all of your attention all the time. Not to mention work is incredibly stressful and doesn’t pay enough for my bills. I have one garnishment I’m stuck with from a re-poed car my second ex-husband so kindly blew the engine on and now two credit cards coming after me for the money I couldn’t pay them when the ex left and we lost the house.

I feel like I am drowning and I am emotional as there are all these wonderful things also happening and I don’t really have anyone to share them with. The babe is starting ABA full-time tomorrow, I am getting to spend more time with the biggen. I am getting closer to figuring out what the seizure like activities my youngest is having are and closer to his diagnosis which will actually open some doors for us funnily enough.

I’m just trying to get my head above water. I want my children to have a better life than I did and I am starting to figure out what I want for my life and starting to make plans for what to do while the babe is in ABA. I want to get the apartment deep cleaned, all of the junk we don’t need out of here, get to writing more and start sewing, something I have wanted to do for well forever. I want to get the little on SSDI and take CNA classes to be his stay at home caregiver and then go back to school and be a therapist. I want to write a semi memoir but not quite fully reality type of book that takes inspiration from my life but isn’t one hundred percent everything that is me. I have always wanted to be my own boss, write books, and own my own business.

I want to make enough money we don’t have to worry but I don’t care about being rich. I broke the cycle of abuse but poverty is a whole other can of worms to deal with in my life and the kids lives. I just want to be a good mom and a good person without having to worry about money. I don’t think that is too much to ask but these days it feels like anything else is impossible.

Anyway I really should get to bed. That is all for now. I will try to be more frequent with posts. But no guarantee I am super busy these days.