His Secrets, My Pain

Welcome to the Freakshow, all survivors have a place here, so long as you behave.

Could This Be Serenity?

I wasn’t going to post again today but I realized something when I got home. The dread and anxiety is gone. With the response turned in, he can’t stop me from keeping my baby now. I’ll say I am a pagan as well, I don’t care what your religion is and I am only sharing this for the experience it made me feel. If you are something different I will happily have a discussion in the comments as long as we stay respectful. Religion is like a dick, it’s fine to have one just don’t shove it down my throat. Anyway, something my friend suggested doing was a Cord Cutting. Cut that energy bond between the two of us.

Needless to say I was down for these witchy shenanigans, let’s do this! We ended up not doing it Saturday, we worked on paperwork for so long, she finally went home and we both crashed out early as hell. The next morning, as soon as I woke up, did the things like bathroom, clear up the dry mouth, see straight, I light a candle, did a cord cutting, and saged the apartment for bad juju. I don’t care if you think it’s silly, or doesn’t work. It worked for me, I felt a release of energy I can only describe as freeing.

I was anxious this morning, driving my P.O.S. jalopy is stressful, but I didn’t realize it wasn’t panic anxiety, it was anxious butterflies. I wanted to get this over with because I wanted to get that response in ASAP. The second I turned in those papers and walked away with my copies I smiled. I will say that again, I fucking smiled! Walked out of that clerk’s office feeling refreshed like I had a new lease on life. I can’t tell you how good that felt. I’ve been feeling like everything is crashing in on me for so long that there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Now I can see one.

I’ll leave you with this, when my life changed; I wanted to crumble on the shower floor. Throw in the towel, ship my baby to his grandma, give my oldest to his dad and stepmom, just give up. Somewhere, my little survivor ass found it in me, maybe it was the rage and spite, who knows, to keep moving. I did what I felt was impossible and not only rose to the occasion, but also found a way to fight back. I’m not rich, famous, or powerful; I’m a mom with a complicated life who is just looking for a little peace and quiet. I want to get back to my life and passions. This one event changed the course of my life forever, somehow I am finding the serenity in chaos and looking forward to the future, even with the legal battle I am facing. There is beauty in chaos, a truth not many care to see, it isn’t necessarily a normal beauty, it’s more of a macabre or haunting sort of beauty.

Unless you can find the serenity in the chaos, that is an otherworldly kind of beauty.

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Alice
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One response to “Could This Be Serenity?”

  1. Breaking Points – His Secrets, My Pain Avatar
    Breaking Points – His Secrets, My Pain

    […] I have been this whole time. I still feel that weird serenity (Look back at yesterday’s post “Could This Be Serenity” for more context.) even when the anxiety starts to act […]

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About

Welcome to my version of a support group. An anonymous blog about surviving anything wild your life throws at you. This blog is a combination of commentary about women in media, how they relate to real women today, and a memoir of my healing journey after a major life altering event, finding out I’m being cyber stalked, and getting hit with everything and anything a person can be attacked with. I use media and dark humor to help me cope and I love having discussions especially nerdy media debates.

I’m a newly single mom in my 30s, sultry and salty, I have two children and the mouth of a quick witted sailor. What can I say we use fuck like a comma in this house. My story is filled with trauma, pain, what sounds like a grim dark thriller side plot, and funny enough resilience, beauty, love. So what was my solution to the suffering? Create an anonymous blog to share my story and keep my identity secret from my stalker as long as possible.

I want this to be a safe place for the unsafe; the neurodivergent, victims of abuse, sex trafficking, painfully introverted people, those who did their time for their crimes and are still treated like trash, the wrongfully accused with life in prison, innocent with no one believing them and their days of freedom long gone.

That being said, I will be flinging satire and dark humor at you like the abuse my ex so wonderfully shoved down my throat. When you live like I have, the darkness becomes armor the humor an addiction you can’t ween off of, it becomes your coping skill and I don’t know about you, I love it.

This memoir meets commentary is going to be going into some of the media I love the most, the things that feel like they are coming true right now, that I relate to most as a woman on the edge. I think most of the women in child bearing age range can see how the Handmaid’s Tale is becoming a patriarchal wet dream turned reality nightmare with Fascism on the rise.

So I am here, offering a hand to those drowning, feeling alone, saying Welcome to my Freakshow, all are welcome here, as long as we can be respectful of others, no hate speech, no bullying, no soliciting. Feel free to stay anonymous or shout your name from the rooftops. Abusers will be immediately banned, I don’t tolerate that behavior, don’t ruin it for others.

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