I wasn’t going to post again today but I realized something when I got home. The dread and anxiety is gone. With the response turned in, he can’t stop me from keeping my baby now. I’ll say I am a pagan as well, I don’t care what your religion is and I am only sharing this for the experience it made me feel. If you are something different I will happily have a discussion in the comments as long as we stay respectful. Religion is like a dick, it’s fine to have one just don’t shove it down my throat. Anyway, something my friend suggested doing was a Cord Cutting. Cut that energy bond between the two of us.
Needless to say I was down for these witchy shenanigans, let’s do this! We ended up not doing it Saturday, we worked on paperwork for so long, she finally went home and we both crashed out early as hell. The next morning, as soon as I woke up, did the things like bathroom, clear up the dry mouth, see straight, I light a candle, did a cord cutting, and saged the apartment for bad juju. I don’t care if you think it’s silly, or doesn’t work. It worked for me, I felt a release of energy I can only describe as freeing.
I was anxious this morning, driving my P.O.S. jalopy is stressful, but I didn’t realize it wasn’t panic anxiety, it was anxious butterflies. I wanted to get this over with because I wanted to get that response in ASAP. The second I turned in those papers and walked away with my copies I smiled. I will say that again, I fucking smiled! Walked out of that clerk’s office feeling refreshed like I had a new lease on life. I can’t tell you how good that felt. I’ve been feeling like everything is crashing in on me for so long that there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Now I can see one.
I’ll leave you with this, when my life changed; I wanted to crumble on the shower floor. Throw in the towel, ship my baby to his grandma, give my oldest to his dad and stepmom, just give up. Somewhere, my little survivor ass found it in me, maybe it was the rage and spite, who knows, to keep moving. I did what I felt was impossible and not only rose to the occasion, but also found a way to fight back. I’m not rich, famous, or powerful; I’m a mom with a complicated life who is just looking for a little peace and quiet. I want to get back to my life and passions. This one event changed the course of my life forever, somehow I am finding the serenity in chaos and looking forward to the future, even with the legal battle I am facing. There is beauty in chaos, a truth not many care to see, it isn’t necessarily a normal beauty, it’s more of a macabre or haunting sort of beauty.
Unless you can find the serenity in the chaos, that is an otherworldly kind of beauty.
His Secrets, My Pain 
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