I couldn’t even care to post the last few days. It was super hot and humid, the kids were constantly up my tushy and I just figuratively died on the couch when I wasn’t cleaning crumageddon and dismantling dish mountain (we don’t have a lot of dishes, a dish washer, or a big sink so I have to do them constantly or they pile up). I watched some custom doll videos from Midnight Jewel then switched to anime. Kaiju #8 has a new season and OMG amazing.

I finished it a couple nights ago while the little one was refusing to sleep…again. Gotta ask Ex1 to bring me back his favorite blanket and his melatonin because I can’t afford more right now (sad it’s only 10 bucks but I got nothing). Anyway we went to bed at about 11pm then the baby got up at 4am and went back down at 630am until 845am. I ended up taking advantage of his sleeps and working on my derpy boy some more. He no longer looks like a worm! He has legs now! I need to add the mane which is going to take the longest, his whole body is a rainbow of colors.

I’m sad I had to stop but I made a lot of progress so I’m at least happy with that. My creative side is going haywire but Im having trouble figuring out what to make half the time because blankets are too hot and I don’t want them in my lap, clothing is a challenge because I’m actively losing weight as I’m making all of it so no point doing so right now. And stuffies need a decent bit of choking hazard materials the baby will try to eat before I can turn them into non choking hazards. The same issue occurs with diamond painting and cross stitching. Sewing is just dangerous because sharp fast needle and baby trying to stick his fingers in everything.

I’ve been playing games on my phone and trying not to have panic attacks at every turn since I got offered the job. I’m still so scared something is going to fall through and I’m trying not to think about it, especially since it’s crunch time and I NEED everything to work out or I’m going to be quick messaging my friend like “hheeyy, remember when we talked about me possibly moving in?….yeah I gotta move in”. I’d rather not, I thoroughly enjoy living alone with my kids and being in charge with no one else to answer to. It’s nice and something I’ve wanted for years, haven’t had until now.

My biggest immediate stressor is that I don’t have much nicotine left, my vape is at 40% juice and I don’t have 33 dollars for another one for at least 2 to 3 weeks so that really sucks too. I basically quit smoking weed because my anxiety was just getting worse and I was hyper active having to move around and do stuff, not that having to move is bad but since I’ve lost 80 lbs moving around really isn’t an issue anymore and the more weight I lose the more active I am naturally. Helps that I’m eating more healthy foods now too.

So what have you missed in the last couple days? My oldest is back to school with his dad, and Ex1 remembered the blanket and melatonin. I went to help a friend clean and paint a little in exchange for a vape, I was there for about 5 hours while her daughter hung out at my place with my youngest. I heard from Ex2’s lawyer finally yesterday, found out that they are trying to schedule the mediation so we can move the divorce along, but tell me why these fuckers waited until TWO days before the fucking paternity hearing to tell me about it….TWO FUCKING DAYS?! Oh I’m livid and I had to ask them! I have been trying to get information about this hearing for a fucking month and a half and heard squat until they wanted something from me. I am so ready to scream. I had to race to find child care for that morning, which I did just fucking grr man. I had to sage the apartment to calm down, I’m just glad it is going to happen before I start work not after.

Which I did my drug test yesterday, found out the background checks came back great and I am now just waiting for the references to come back so I can get my offer letter then TANF will give me a one time bonus on my next benefits to help with gas and new clothes for work but they won’t sign it until my first day of work. YAY! it’s still a bonus. Now we play the hurry up and wait game, I am trying to figure out the last little bits of details for work and so on. I’m almost there! I also did a mini deep clean on my living room because my apartment needs it, I plant to move through the apartment and get the rest done before I go back to work.

One of my big goals for this week before going back is rearranging my closet but I’m waiting to see what the dress code is, I can’t remember if they told me or not already, I’ve been to so many interviews over the last couple months I lost track of who told me what. I know the employee handbook will tell me and I saw a lot of people wearing tee shirts so I think tees and jeans or just nice pants are acceptable. I don’t really wear jeans I have one pair, but I live in graphic tee shirts so that part isn’t a problem if that is the case.

I also had to have maintenance come and look at a leak in my son’s ceiling which they came yesterday and will have to come back again, good news is there doesn’t seem to actually be a leak, maybe some condensation or build up. I’m not really sure, they were talking to the sitter because of course they show up while I’m not home. They mentioned getting a vent put in there incase it is just some condensation from the old pipes.

Anyway, that’s me update, a lot of nothing and everything all at once. A bunch of hurry up and wait as well as dealing with the pond scum that is my soon to be second ex husband. I never want to get married again, I honestly don’t know that I want a relationship ever again after all this and the weird ish state of my partner and I. I’m grateful for the small support system I have but I know I need to build it up a little more and that really scares me. I have a hard time trusting people, especially for help or with my kids. Good news is in a couple years the baby starts school and I can hopefully change my schedule to work with his school schedule and get him into an after school program so that i can work without issue. I’m just grateful I found a nanny for the moment and hope it works out between us.

Until next time. Remember you aren’t alone in this hellscape burning around us. We’re all going through it together.