I’m going to be really honest in this post. I am going to warn you now that there are triggers in here. I will be talking about my weakest moments over the last week or so and help explain why I vanished as long as I did. You may not care, it has happened, will happen again and will not be forever any of the times it does. I have a couple mental disorders I have mentioned in the past, I also have a lot going on and well Mother’s Day weekend got a little dark emotionally, though I will say yesterday was probably the worst of it. I didn’t self harm, I don’t have a plan to kill myself, I just felt that the would would be better without me in it and I felt like I needed to stop hurting. Again, no plans, no trying anything, no self-harm. My last self-harm relapse was October of 2023 and I am proud to say I haven’t done so again.

So what happened then? I’m still stuck in the hurry up and wait mode, meaning life felt worse than it is. Running low on food and money will do that to you. I was stressing over finishing this parenting class and serving my ex-husband, which I did both, I just need to turn the affidavit in and the completion of parenting class certificate, but they’re done and I am ahead of the game for now. Behind turning a couple things in but my ex is worse off than I am so I think we’re okay. He looked at the papers a week later and called me a cunt just to get a reaction which makes me nervous because what the fuck is this man after but also good because well he lived in my head rent free terrorizing me for years. It’s only fair that it’s turn to live rent free in his. Keep in mind he didn’t mention that he started this by putting me under attack and trying to take my son from me in the first place.

Then on Mother’s Day, my psychotic, abusive, drug addled mother tried to reach out. Yeah, no, were on 7 years no contact and counting. I would like to keep it that way. My two worse abusers back to back trying to fuck me up and I just want to be left alone, move on with my life. I found a support group for people like me, for the family of and the offenders of sexual crimes. I have been looking for this since he go arrested because whether he is guilty, innocent, or whatever else, he will be going trough this program and the damage is done. I can’t talk to normal people about this, I don’t feel safe. These people understand what I am going through, they’ve been through it too. The group only meets once a month and I found it right before they meet again.

I’ve felt completely alone with two wildings for a while now and I can’t pretend it has been easy. There have definitely been good days and bad, but the inner demons won out. I thought the PMDD was finally easing up but it took hold of me like a jealous lover and demanded I remain hostage in it’s bed for an extra 3 to 4 days. Happy Mother’s Day to me… I finally did something for myself and took a bath yesterday. Cried again after thinking my ducts were permanently dry and got a decent bit of sleep. Before getting those things, my mind went dark Woman in White type places and I’m not proud to admit it but it is what happened. No one got hurt, my pride and ego but they needed to take a couple hints I will admit.

So what do I do? A friend offered for me and the kids to stay with her for a few days, maybe a week or two. I don’t think I will stay that long but I think a few days could help. Being so alone lately has been what’s making me feel like trash. Honestly, this friend has mentioned maybe living together before and if we can get through these few days and not want to kill each other after (I don’t do well living with other women but I a willing to work on that issue) maybe it is a good idea. I like being independent and self sufficient and I hate asking for help but fuck I can’t do this completely alone. There are days I wish I could just be a sugar baby or run away and live alone in the forest for the rest of my life. Doesn’t solve anything just keeps me alone in my head or as some old guys toy which lets face it, I’m not young or pretty enough for that bullshit.

Anyway, I’m still depressed but it isn’t as doom and gloom as it was and I think I need to take this life raft being thrown to me in the form of a friend. It still feels weird letting anyone help me though, like I’m going to be betrayed or stabbed in the back at any second because that is the history I am accustomed to. Trying to break cycles is difficult and challenging. This is going to either be a blessing or a lesson. I’m just really tired of lessons.

I will leave you with this, in a way, I am an addict. Self-harm, drinking what have you. I haven’t drank enough to be a problem since I had my oldest, I made an ass of myself with my ex-husband’s family a couple of times but cleaned it up. He was what caused the relapse of self-harm after 5 years without an incident and I left him. I’ve worked hard on my mental health, enough to see the signs before i do something instead of after the damage is done. The depression tells me don’t take the help and that is why I feel I have to do it. I know I need help and the scariest part of that is accepting it.