Why yes, I did in fact, add a picture of an actual gas lamp. I wanted to brighten up today’s subject matter a little bit. That is right, Gaslighting. A narcissist’s favorite tool. Oh don’t worry, you will agree this man is a narcissist too by the end of the examples.

The first part of Andrei Nedelcu’s book “The Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Workbook” (I know, mouthful) discusses gaslighting, we don’t get into what a narcissist is until chapter or week 2. It’s a 12 week recovery workbook, I highly recommend it as someone obsessed with psychology, dark history, and true crime, it is a fascinating and helpful read, in my humble option. I eat psyche for breakfast and I have had my fair share of run ins with narcissistic folk having be raised by a bitch with level 99 narcissism, it followed me for a while.

Nedelcu describes gaslighting as, “…adopted to describe a type of psychological abuse that includes attempts to instill confusion and self-doubt in another, through this behavior the gaslighter tries to control others”(Nedelcu, 2024) then goes on to explain the tactics used. I thought i would do that too but using specific examples of what my ex did.

1. Lying: incessant lies like “those aren’t girl tits” when I saw a topless woman on his phone, well I would hope she’s at least 18, I know you like ’em barely legal sir. My favorite “I did take my meds!”, really? They’ve been gone for three days and you don’t fill the prescriptions, I do. The most stupid one which works for some of the other examples too, ” I am NOT dating her! FB is lying to you!” Right because you didn’t have to accept it for her to tag you in the relationship post.
2. Discrediting: I don’t know what stories he was telling, he kept those locked up tight, but from what we gathered, he played it like I was dating our partner not him, and like we neglected him when he was the one who pushed us away. He acted like I was a whore playing house with my mistress while he brought in all the dough and was mistreated and abused. Not the case.
3. Creating Distractions: Oh the fake suicide attempt, how could I forget about this one. I left him so he knocked a girl up while at work, then told her he didn’t want her or the baby. When that didn’t get me to stay he faked a suicide attempt and refused to follow up with any of the resources the mental health professionals provided. He gamed the system for sympathy and they saw it as such. When I begged them to keep him and get him help they said they wouldn’t. He told them he was fine even after “attempting” suicide 3 days prior.
4. Diminishing Your Emotions: He would just call me crazy and say I am delusional slut who can’t do better than him, turned everything I was legitimately concerned about with his mental health into a false issue with me. I did my therapy properly thank you.
5. Blame Shifting: pick a subject, it was always my fault. He was late for work? I didn’t wake him so it was my fault he didn’t set an alarm or slept through it. He couldn’t find clean clothes. How dare I not do the laundry when he stashes his dirties in piles under his bed. His meds were out, how dare I not call and refill them for this grown ass man child.
6. Denying Guilt: Everything and I mean everything was not his fault or my partner’s fault. It was mine. The second he didn’t get his way I was to blame. That man never said sorry once, he ran over my foot leaving the hospital one day and it was still my fault. He didn’t make sure everyone was in the car and my foot was under the car while I was buckling a child when he DROVE OFF. I screamed at him, of course, still my fault right?
7. Hurting You with Compassion: “But baby, I wouldn’t do that I love you!” I heard that from his mouth after every infraction. The more kind and caring I was the more aggressive and angry he became. After sex especially, he became a tyrant looking to hurt anyone in his path.
8. Last but not least, Improving Stories to Compliment Them: He couldn’t tell the truth if he tried, we married for love but quick because it helped with insurance. That became, I just married him for his money and health insurance. You know, a gold digger. Even though most of our relationship I made more money than he did, with stints of stay at home mom energy in between jobs, I was in school full time, even when I wasn’t working.

When I didn’t work, I sold things I made on the side, I got a degree, a normal associates but it’s something, and I was working on a career when he left. His toxicity bled into my entire world and I lost a lot of people over it. I won’t pretend I didn’t play a part in all this. I could have taken what he didn’t say to heart, watched his actions closer, been less combative in the end. I slipped into bad habits along side him, and I am working hard, still, a year later to keep those bad habits from coming back. I don’t always like who I have to be in survival mode, and I forgive that side of me, though I admit, I’m still working on her. That is why I have these self reflection journals for my healing journey. I know I have issues too.

Nedelcu, A. (2024). Week 1- What is Gaslighting . In The Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Workbook. A 12- week master plan to Avoid the Gaslighting Affect and Break Free from Emotional Abuse (pp. 11–12). essay.