The last few weeks have been… insane to say the least. My youngest bonked his head so spectacularly he needed a couple stitches at daycare, I went on that women’s retreat I had to cancel last year, and then my oldest broke his wrist at school one week after starting soccer. It’s been… fun I guess.

The little got his stitches out, then found out he had an ear infection so he’s finishing up his antibiotics and going through yet another growth spurt so he is also eating me out of house and home. My oldest is telling me he can’t do a lot of stuff because he has one arm atm (other is in a cast up to the elbow). It’s been busy.

My youngest will start going to OT again next week so we’ll do speech, PT and OT one day then speech the next. When summer starts, the little will be in ABA full time during the week and it’s just a lot to process. I want to work on my crafts, my writing, everything I enjoy doing, but I don’t have the energy. I guess I kind of have the time but I’m exhausted.

I keep saying I was burnt out before the arrest… I’m definitely more burnt out now. Being a single mom is definitely a whole new experience and while I’ve been living single for over a year, I’ve only been officially single for about a couple months. He stopped contacting me all together and that was a hard burden to bear. To realize he doesn’t actually want anything to do with his kid, he just wanted me. He stopped helping me all together and now DHS is on his ass for child support and I’m not doing anything to help him.

I would but he made it very clear he doesn’t care in his lack of communication. He still hasn’t gotten to car registration from me, won’t talk to me about figuring out child support so he isn’t getting fucked over, and I’m tired of forcing communication to give updates on our child. So he hasn’t gotten any updates since the ER visit and I’m at peace with him getting fucked over with child support.

I want to make it clear that I’m normally the type to bend over backwards for someone I care about but after all the nasty things he said to me when I broke things off, the way he has acted since the break up, and just the snide comments when we were still together… Well let him burn. I’ve been the villain in so many abusive fuckers stories what’s one more?

I do still mourn the good of the relationship before the arrest, I still wonder how we got here, and I’m still mad at him for blowing up our lives. Framed or guilty, he didn’t help the situation and I’m not really here to hold his hand, I’m here to take care of my kids and better my own life. Eventually, I’ll have the energy to craft again, I’ll have the wherewithall to get back to writing, and I’ll have the life I dreamed of. It takes time and energy I don’t have right this second but my kids’ needs come first and they have a lot going on. I’m still young-ish, I’m in my early 30s and I very much just want to make sure that they have what they need before I dive into stuff I want.

Being a single mom means sacrificing so much more than I would if I was still married, still in a relationship, not in it alone. My village is small but mighty. Most are out of state but there when I need them. I am mostly alone though. So yeah, I leave my house every single day to do various things for my kids and work, etc. I’ll continue to be an extremely busy woman for a hot minute and that’s okay. They are still my world, I still love and cherish them more than my own life and I am doing whatever it takes to be the mom they deserve. Even when I feel I fall short, which is often.

Ta for now, the laundry is calling and the kids are impatient. Have a good weekend folks and remember you’re not alone, somebody loves you even if they’re states, or an entire country away.