The absolute hardest part of being a single mom right now, for me at least, is having to call off and not having the time to do so. At my job we get paid sick time, personal time, floating holidays, and vacation. However, I’ve used all of it because the sicknesses are running rampant and I have been having to call off a lot. I haven’t been the one sick either. It’s been my kids and/ or daycare provider. Now I did find a drop in daycare I can take the little to and it’s worked out every time except today. 3/4 ain’t bad right?

It’s just a lot and it’s hard. Pneumonia is running rampant at the facility I work at, it’s still RSV season, albeit the tail end of said season but still. One of my coworkers and her kid have RSV and this take is going to piss off any anti maskers that are reading this post but for the love of fuck WEAR A MASK OR DON’T COME IN. I understand needing to work. I understand not having the time off. I get that the masks suck and no one WANTS to wear them. However, big however, we work in close quarters, pneumonia and RSV are highly contagious and put children in the hospital. You bringing this shit to work makes it more likely for me to infect my children, in turn affecting the whole fucking daycare. We had a national pandemic that shut down the world 6 years ago and weren’t really ready to reopen when we did. Can we not be cunts and continue the spread of other diseases?

Now I know the bosses make it harder, they get mad when we call off. Are frustrated that we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We’re short staffed every other day and I can’t pretend I’m not part of that particular problem with being the single mom who works there. I have no support system when it comes to people that are able to watch my kids outside of child care I pay for and I don’t plan to get on any social media platforms to meet anyone.

Add to that all the appointments I have for my youngest, pick up and drop off schedules for my oldest, calling out when I have him on weekends sometimes because he is also sick or what have you. Trying to do anything for myself on top of that is really hard because who’s going to take the kids when I want to go get my hair done, my nails, shop without kids going “mom, mom, mom I want (x, y, z)”. Having to pay extra money I don’t really have to go do something and feeling guilty for taking more time from my kids to do things for myself. That being said, I do actually go out and do stuff for myself once in a while. I went to the movies last month. To save money I do my own hair and nails (gotta do the self care). I am getting a new tattoo tomorrow (scheduled it a month ago and I saved for it) and at the end of the month I’m going on a women’s retreat before going back to my “normal” life where I am only away from the kids to go to work.

I know time apart is healthy and I’m not doing anything wrong but when you take into account my toddler is with the sitter more than he’s with me as is or that I see more of my coworkers and clients than I do my kids…. It gets to me more than I care to admit. I miss being a stay at home mom but I also like getting out of the house and being busy. I want a vacation from my life and to sleep for a week but I know that’s not possible and I don’t want someone else having my kids more than the sitter already does. I had them for a reason, I may not have planned or anticipated being a single mom again but I sure as fuck make it work.

I love these little monsters and I had them because I wanted them, I will never pawn them off on someone or make the struggles I have their fault or problem. They didn’t ask to be born, I brought them into this world and I will make sure to keep them happy and healthy and spend the time I can with them. Brings me back the point I made in my last post that I won’t be dating for a long while. As much as help would be nice with finances, a partner in crime, someone to love my kids and cherish them as much as I do. I don’t want someone taking time away from my kids. I don’t want someone thinking they are more important than my kids. I am not ready to get back out there and I know that, for there are a slew of other reasons I don’t want to be with anyone because I know what I’ve been through and how bad the dating pool is/ can be.

So where am I going with this? I will continue to voice how hard this is. I will also continue to voice that I don’t regret my children. I love being a single mom and watching them learn and grow. I am so proud of myself for breaking the cycles of abuse I was subjected to as a child and I am that mom that will allow my kids to have a home with me forever. I will always say my children are worth my life because I would die for them and I will do everything and anything to keep them safe and healthy. They are both in therapy of various kinds to get the help they need to deal with the life and the  traumas that happened outside of my control. Life is traumatic, the things that happened over the last three or four years were things that other people did and I didn’t have the power to change them until I did. There are great people out there and there are horrible people out there. In this life, no one makes it out alive and very few make it out without trauma.

I will say that I do wish I knew then, in my 20s, that I know now. I wouldn’t have made some of the choices that I did, yet, that’s hard to say too because as much as I wish my kids were shielded from the traumas we all experience, they will still be okay. Hence, therapy. They are learning to cope, emotionally regulate, and that they can come to me about anything. The majority of the abusive behavior that happened since my children were born are things that happened to me and they witnessed very little of it. I shielded them the best I could. Anything that happened to them I apologized profusely over, promised they are now safe (which they are) and ensured it would never happen to them again both in actions and in words.

I’m not perfect, I never claim to be. There are a million strengths I have, I carry, and I am working every day to lessen or eliminate my weakness and imperfections. I’m only human, I’m aware that I will never be perfect and I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to make sure I’m the best person I can be for myself and for my children. Growth is something you will be able to do for the rest of your life as long as you are willing to admit your faults. I get overwhelmed and I can be quick to anger. I get hangry and I’m tired more often than not. I’m lazy often and I procrastinate. I haven’t had the energy to do any of my hobbies in a good hot minute and I’m having a hard time with executive dysfunction, insomnia, and fatigue.

But I still go to work (most days), my kids still make it to 98% of their appointments, I still cook and clean, do self care, take care of my kids. This alone is a huge improvement for me. For those of you who have been around since I started this blog, you know I didn’t cook at all until July, cleaning was not my strong suit and I now clean 2 of my 3 days off every week and I would be so drained I let my kids run a muck when my mental health was trash. I am very involved in what my kids are doing and I am involved in all of their therapies, I play with them more and we have movie nights, I read to them, make sure they know I’m always here and if I’m not they can call me on my shit for not being here mentally when I should be. My oldest has had to do this once or twice and my youngest knows how to get my attention.

This balancing act isn’t balanced but I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do. I’m working to make sure it is balanced, that will take time and energy and I’m doing everything in my power to get there. I am losing weight to gain energy. I have ideas for projects I can crochet, I’m reading more, picked up my switch today, am trying to be more active on here and started writing something while I’m on breaks at work. I do self-care when I can and hear from my oldest “you’re the best mom ever” so I’m doing something right.

Anyway I’ve been rambling long enough. Until next time. Remember, even when you feel it you aren’t alone and your circle may be small but it is mighty. I may not have help with my kids but I have my circle of people I can turn to when I’m in trouble and they’re there  for me no questions asked. I have friends they’re just as busy as I am or in different states but we talk regularly and they were there in my time of need. You know who your people are, you have this even when you feel you don’t.