As someone who has been abused quite literally my entire life, I am incredibly scared of peace and happiness. It just feels like the quiet before the storm, as if I’m just waiting for the next shoe drop. I feel very much like Georgia from Ginny and Georgia. Happiness just feels like a pipe dream and the second I’m content everything seems to go haywire. And while I’m very aware that no one should become complacent because that seems to be when people stop learning and growing. It seems that what I need to learn is how to be happy in my current situation. No matter how uncomfortable life feels at that moment.

I’m not going to pretend life is perfect right now. I’m overworked, under paid and exhausted beyond belief. However, I do still find joy in my job and the clients I work with. I love my boys and being able to spend the time I do with them. My taxes will pay my rent for the year, alleviating some of the money stresses I’ve had since I started this blood. As busy as I am, I’m seeing growth in my youngest, showing that the PT, OT, and speech therapy he is receiving 3 days a week are well worth it. My oldest is finally truly learning at his new school and while he did face some bullying and the mama bear rage in me was so strong at that moment, he is thriving.

My kids miss me when they are gone or when I am gone and that feels so incredibly bittersweet. On one hand I wish I could work from home and spend 24/7 with them. On the other hand, they obviously love me and I’m not an abusive piece of shit (like my parents) making them dread the moment I pick them up and take them home. I’m seeing that while life is incredibly hard as a truly single parent with a very small support system (almost but not quite nonexistent) I’m surviving and I’m dare I say it….happy.

Yeah I’m working 2 to 3 jobs (though only one pays) and I could sleep for a week and still want more rest, I’m making it work. I’ve always had a huge appreciation for single parents as I was raised by a single father in my teen years, I have a greater appreciation for other single parents as well as myself after doing this alone for a full year today. It’s the one year anniversary of the arrest. Next month my divorce finalizes (one more court date here we go!) I go on a women’s retreat which I’m super excited for, and life just kind of feels like it’s falling into place for me finally.

I know shocker, this post isn’t about doom and gloom. I told you, it’s weird for me too. With taxes hitting, I got some things we’ve really needed for our home, budgeted what I can spend and what I want in savings (wild to think I might have a savings in this economy) and I am doing a little self care stuff like getting another tattoo soon for the first time in years and going to see a movie I’ve been waiting for 3 years to hit theaters. Still not going crazy, I’m not buying everything under the sun as I am trying to contribute to the capitalism hellscape as little as possible but money makes the world go round and we need to eat. It’s the way life goes.

I will say I’m a little lonely but that’s okay, I’m down with getting to know myself and who I am outside of a relationship again. I am very much willing to date myself and make sure I’m the type of partner I want to be should a relationship be in my future. For now though? I am very much content being this power house of a single mom going to battle with the crushing economy for my children. I’m content with my job as I’m not naively thinking it’s going to get better, jobs are kind of shit these days and I know that. I could have a way worse work existence than I do. It affords the things we need (except my rent but taxes got that covered) and I like some of my clients and coworkers. I laugh and have fun when I’m working sometimes. My boss has told me on multiple occasions she’s happy I work here and I do a great job so I’ll take that with the insanity that is my job and the fact that every company is about the bottom dollar even the nonprofits. That’s okay. I knew what I was getting myself into and I’m here for the ride until it no longer suits me.

Well I’m off to the little’s appointments but I wanted to check in. I know I don’t have a lot of followers and that’s okay. I’m just trying to get more consistent with posting as I enjoy working on this blog. It has become a passion project for me. Take care and remember even when you feel like you are, you’re never alone, your circle may be small but it is still mighty.