Does anyone else just want to run away and change their name? “Mom who?” Ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t do this? I love my kids and they are my world but some days man….I just want to not exist as a mom. I’ve been a single parent for almost a full year and the partner is officially a ghost faded into the background. I’m fine with this. I’m the one who called it off. I knew what I signed up for when I got pregnant and kept the children. I didn’t know I’d be alone with no real support system though.

I have friends but none that will just take the kids for a few hours or come over and help me wrangle these little monsters. I can vent to them, one comes over for dinner and a movie once a week and I love that but he’s not one to take on the kids for me. Being alone with no help is really hard. Knowing that yeah I can vent but most of these people either don’t understand or aren’t there often is just…man. I hear “I don’t know how you do it. I’d lose my shit” or “I don’t know how you do it. I’d ” (enter any form of lose it, beat them, etc). Well… I don’t either. And I never said I don’t lose my sanity. That shit went out with the trash years ago.

I’m Wonder Woman alright. How the fuck am I surviving this? How the hell am I not more insane? When does it get easier? I added a ton of ABA therapy, speech therapy, PT and OT to the mix as well so one day a week my little has his therapist come to the daycare for OT, one day he does speech AND PT, and one day he does just speech. Three days in a row back to back…to back. Not to mention being gone 13 to 15 hours a day for work, dropping them off, picking them up and meeting with my first ex husband so we can do drop off and pick up for custody time with the oldest.

Good news, I finally got new glasses after 5 years of wearing the last prescription, it has very much helped with the migraines and my taxes will relieve the financial pressure for the year (thank the gods) but I still have to wait for them to hit. Work is…well work, they’re running us into the ground and treating us like cattle, won’t hire enough fucking staff and everyone is calling off constantly (can’t blame any of them. I want to call off constantly too. Shit I called off on my Friday and went home early the previous day because I felt like shit and had an allergic reaction to a med). I had a migraine for like a month straight and ran out of meds a few days ago.

I go back to work tomorrow and don’t want to. I’m grateful to have an income and I have a pretty sweet schedule but fuck am I tired. You know that sticker that says “I’m retired. I was tired yesterday, I’m tired today, and I’ll be tired tomorrow?” That’s me. I’m very much an insomnatic exhausted pigeon and my kids follow suit. I haven’t been able/allowed to sleep past 5am for the past I don’t know 2 to 3 weeks. I have been having weird vivid dreams for almost 3 months now so even when I sleep I feel like I don’t.

I just want to take a vacation from my life and stop being overwhelmed. It’s defeating when you clean your whole place and the second it’s clean the toddler destroys it. You clean it again before going back to work and it’s destroyed…Babyzilla stricks…again. You make dinner just to have the toddler not eat because he doesn’t like anything that isn’t finger food or on the go food. The oldest complains they don’t like it, didn’t even try it. You sit down to have a family movie night before bed and both kids are climbing all over you, getting pinched, kicked, hit and screamed at because the baby wants to use you as a living sensory toy and the oldest decides that means that they want to lay on you and whine that they’re getting jumped on too. I wanted to run away to my room and just hide for the rest of the night but of course I can’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I would not trade these special needs Looney Tunes for the world. Some days are more overwhelming than others and some days are chill and I feel like the most lucky woman in the world. Today was a combination of amazing and overwhelming as hell. Especially when I also have sensory issues and pinching/biting me is a good way to get slapped without me thinking, I don’t hit my kids, I’ve come close though. Knee jerk reaction is to hit you but mom brain reminds me “no, we made that, can’t hit it”.

Anyway, I’m heading to bed soon, I have to be up early and get the munchkins as well as myself ready for the busy week ahead. Until next time.