Life’s been a lot and I hate the holidays. I kind of burrowed in on myself and was going through hamster wheels of anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how I was going to pay my January rent, needed an oil change, and so on. I figured it out. I’m just kind of hanging in there until I get my taxes (I always file early).

Work is a lot. We’re short staffed as hell and I am exhausted when I get home every day. My youngest is now doing speech and related therapies two of my days off, when summer hits my oldest is going to be with me during the week and his dad on weekends again. I need to talk to him tonight about the biggen being with me full time again next school year because he and his girlfriend are having issues and my oldest is begging to come home. I want him to come home too.

Anyone else having weird dreams as well?  Or is that just a me thing? Which planet is in fucking retrograde this time? I’m struggling a lot. My PMDD is rearing its ugly head. I’m fighting with my partner and kind of wanting to end our relationship but wanting to stay and it’s a fucking mess. I don’t know how to cope with him being gone and us still being together. I want to cut ties but I don’t want to throw away 4 years of a healthy relationship (even if our last year together was kind of a hell of a year). I don’t want to deal with all the new baggage that comes with it and I’ve changed so much since he left.

I will always love him as he’s the father of one of my children but he asked me last night if I’m still in love with him… Am I? I don’t really know. I’m resentful that I’m dealing with so much with work and the children, doing it alone. On the flip side of that coin I’m kind of living for doing this alone. I’m enjoying not sharing my bed or worrying about what triggers someone else and what I can get away with doing. I’m kind of living for this being alone with my kids thing, not to mention he wouldn’t come home for another year, wouldn’t be able to see the kids for another 6 months at least.

I feel like we’re moving on without him, flying down the highway of life and leaving him in the dust. I’m struggling with how I feel, wondering how would my kids feel? They miss him but they love having me to themselves. I’m going to have to work no matter what, I live in a capitalist hellscape that isn’t showing any signs of change and yes I feel like I need help but I also know that I can handle this on my own. Very much in my Megara from the movie Hercules era “I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.”

I know I don’t have to figure it out right this second but I know I have to figure it out. I know PMDD is raging and honestly I usually say my deepest truths will in it (while also voicing all of my fears, not hearing anything anyone tells me that isn’t negative, and just spiraling until I crash out). I’ve had to be something different and change so much in the last year that I don’t know if I can go back or fit within the mold handed to me. I’m burnt out and exhausted and there is no sign of relief in sight. So what do I do? How do I handle this?

My grams used to say “when you don’t know what to do, do nothing”. Growth and change are supposed to be uncomfortable but are they supposed to be this uncomfortable?