CONTENT WARNING: this post deals with DV, SA, PTSD, a brutal divorce, and adulting

I’m going to keep apologizing for disappearing, then disappearing again. I am dealing with a lot right now. Court keeps getting extended. I was so excited because I thought I would be done with it by the beginning of December and now I won’t be done until close to the end of April. I’m getting there but slower than I hoped. My ex isn’t fighting me anymore and I got a no contact order added to the separation agreement. So a decent bit of wins right now, I just have to get through court and who the fuck likes doing that? I sure as hell don’t. I got the evidence situated and will be turning that in today more than likely, I have to get it printed, write a couple things on the documents and go from there.

Since the last hearing in late October, I have been stressed out and trying not to trauma spiral. It worked until I had to go back through our Facebook messages and reread everything, putting me right back in the trenches of my PTSD. I felt like i was back in the moment, scared of him coming home every day again. Scared of what he was going to pull/ do next. If this was going to be the day he snapped and the abuse would turn physical or violent.

He was already emotionally abusing me, I stopped letting him sexually abuse me anymore which just made him more aggressive but I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d rather get hit. I didn’t want him touching me ever again and I was making damn sure he couldn’t. The messages that were the hardest were the ones where he was demanding I sell our house that ended up going into foreclosure because he wouldn’t hear me when I said we couldn’t sell (shocker, I was right…again) and when he called me a whore for the hundredth time and told me he was going to take my child from me, that I had to get rid of him LEGALLY. When this man told me at least 3 times he would file for divorce.

Joke is on him. After he tried and failed to hit me with a TPO, I did hit him back with a divorce. So far things are going my way and I am going to get him out of my and the children’s lives permanently and legally! I’m just going through the PTSD cycle again because I never wanted to see him again. Never wanted to talk to him again. Never wanted to relive this shit. I’m getting closer to the finish line though. I am getting so close to getting our freedom from him it isn’t even funny. I am so excited for that day. I want to be a free woman again so bad.

Work has been stressful too, we are one of the many places that have a high turn over rate and very few new employees coming in. It’s hard when half the staff is on vacation and we’re working with a skeleton crew as well. Really doesn’t help the stress levels go down. It’s the first day of my weekend today and I am very much not looking forward to the errands I have to run. I want to just be done with everything and relax today but adulting doesn’t allow for that. Adulting is forcing yourself to get everything done as you are attempting not to fall apart.

Part of what triggered my PTSD was watching this show Maid on Netflix and going through a lot of the same things she did. Having a mentally unstable mom you are responsible for until you just can’t be anymore. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to get away from an abuser. Having no money to support your child(ren) but fighting to ensure they are okay even when you are not. It’s a hard life being a single parent and we don’t really get enough credit for it, not that we need it. We don’t do this for the kudos, we do it for the children.

I’m off to run errands. Tata for now