Life is wild these days. I have the final phases of my divorce coming up, the next couple of months. I might actually get my divorce by the end of the year. I hate court but this is something I am very down to do. I want my freedom from him and I want to know my kids and I are safe and finally completely out of his grasp. It’s been stressful and dragged out this long but I am almost to the finish line finally. Honestly, as shitty as it was, I am very happy that he forced my hand, not that he tried to rip my son from me, but that he failed and I was able to gain the strength to start this divorce. If I hadn’t he would have just continued trying to use my youngest and the legal tethers to him as a tool of control. I’m not down to be abused by him anymore. Nor am I okay with him continuing to have any part in my life, even if it is from a distance. I want every chain to him left broken and crumbling on the floor. We were required to do a DNA test for my youngest and surprise, surprise (not) the baby is indeed not his. Feels good knowing I was right on that front as well. I may make mistakes and look the other way when I really shouldn’t (something I am unlearning right now) but I knew in my gut that this was the case and it feels good to be right.

Work is I don’t know… weird but good I guess. There is a lot of bullshit in the working world. I work for a non-profit and I love what we do, but I hate that it feels corporate sometimes. They definitely don’t actually care about their employees and will replace us at the drop of a hat if we don’t fit their ideals. You know, the old you could drop dead tomorrow and they will replace you the next day type of thing. I like the four day work week but the ten hour shifts and the three day weekends. They also give us a lot of time off which I 100% appreciate. Working in any form of mental health is really draining and extra time off is extremely appreciated. They use scare tactics when you are in trouble though and I don’t like that one bit. Plus policy changes are almost daily which fucking sucks and drives most of us insane. I see why we have a high turn over rate but it is a solid job and I like being there most days. I love what we do and watching the clients grow and change in good ways is something I am all about. Accountably kink activated for sure. My favorite coworker got let go and there are a few I can’t stand but I just avoid them or keep to myself when they are around. I do a few of the things I am not supposed to, like read on the floor but I also make sure I get my job done and I follow the serious rules. The pay is enough to survive on but just barely, these days you need two incomes of at least 20 to 35 dollars an hour to live comfortably but I make it work. Next tax season, when I get my taxes back I want to start a business and keep some of the money in savings now that I know what I do and I have a stable income. Saturday is my 60 days at this place and I think they like me enough to keep me around for a while.

As for my personal life, I miss my oldest because I work 2 of his days off. I am working on changing my schedule after the holidays, right now I will see more of him with the current schedule we have and I can’t ignore that. I have all the major holidays off this year and my childcare is amazing, she will work holidays so that is amazing. She’s pretty affordable and loves my boys which is all I can really ask for. They love her and her family as well. I feel like she is becoming a friend not just a daycare. She is a very safe space for my kids and I see the growth in both of them as time goes on. I need to get my youngest into speech therapy which is on my to do list, I’m just trying to adjust to working full time, being the bread winner AND homemaker, and a single mom doing everything again. I was used to being a single stay at home mom for 6 months. Now, it is a whole new ball game and I think I am doing okay. I FEEL like I am failing miserably, I only clean on days off and I need to do so many things that I haven’t gotten around to, but the boys have everything they need and then some. That is all I can ask for. I’m slowly but surly getting this apartment into the shape I want it in, and I am not letting it get too bad. I’m just trying to make it feel more like home. I’ve been here a year in December and I plan to sign another lease for at least one more year. I like living on my own with the kids, I just miss my partner and I know realistically we won’t be living together for at least another year and when we do, it won’t be here. But I need an affordable place until we can live together again and well this place is very much affordable.

Mental health wise… some days are better than others. I feel like I am drowning in stress and bills (which I don’t even have that many) and trying to come up for air is damn near impossible. But I am still here, still kicking and trying to get back into all my hobbies on my days off if nothing else. I thought about bringing crafts to work and keeping them in my car, doing them on lunch or when I am in the car waiting on my oldest son’s dad to bring him to me. We meet in the middle now that I have a solid car but he is always late. I’m trying to be at least somewhat productive with my time when I can. I’m just so fucking drained most days that I am lucky to get the house work done. I am also stagnant in my weight loss right now which never feels good. Slowly but surely right? I’m trying to get and stay healthy so that I don’t redevelop some of the worst health issues i had at 300 lbs and it isn’t easy but I haven’t gained the weight back which is nice. Still a journey of course, and not an easy one. I slipped a couple times and ate way too many sweets but it isn’t easy breaking and keeping at bay a sugar addiction. Especially when that is what you crave during your mental break downs and period.

Anyway, I have to get the kids to the dentist so tata for now. I will try to start posting once or twice a week again. I have a lot more that I can say/ update on. I just gotta get going.