*Content warning* this post talks about sex work, depression, and self-harm/ suicidal ideations briefly. Reader discretion is advised.

I was hoping to come back with some good news. I have had 4 interviews for 4 different places and I am still sitting at 0 job offers. But I have another set of interviews back to back today (for the same job) bringing me to 5 interviews since the end of June/ beginning of July. I was really excited for this RBT job I thought they were going to want me because I nailed both interviews. I guess not. I mean they could still call me today…from my experience lately however, I have been getting told I will hear back tomorrow or what have you and getting no call backs, except one to tell me they didn’t want me but the sister location might ( haha sister location. Okay FNAF). All of this to say….Am I done with interviews yet? They are costing me gas I can’t afford to replace and sanity that was barely there to begin with. I have never had to go through this many rejections or interviews in one stint before. I know I’ve bounced jobs a lot the last couple years. I got two really toxic jobs and I just couldn’t do it. I tried my hand as a phone sex operator and OF model for about 6 months while I was looking for a job with my broke down car. My partner couldn’t find work either when we were still us…It was rough.

Now? It’s just me and the kids. I have been unemployed for about 6 months now and I am about to apply for unemployment if this fucking job doesn’t work out. I’m not trying to be negative but I am losing faith in myself. What am I doing wrong at these interviews? Why are they passing me up? I’m not about to just get the job and jump ship, I am desperado and looking for something I can keep for a good long while. I want to go back to school and I need to keep a job so I can pay off my student debt and go back. It’s so hard living in the US right now. Inflation is killing us, the job market is fucking trash, the Cheeto in Chief is trying to cut every single government assistance program known to man, and everything has some form of poison in it….what the fuck?

So, I keep torturing myself and killing my soul a little more every day as I look for a job and continue to go to different job interviews, get denied and repeat. If I don’t get this one, I will definitely be applying for unemployment. I haven’t needed to until now, I honestly thought I would have a job at least 3 months ago and nope. Nothing, nada, squat. OF doesn’t work, it’s basically an MLM and you have to be young, rail thin, or super obese, and willing to either be a stingy woman who pisses people off because she charges everything and shows none of the goods or she’s willing to do the most depraved humiliating things to yourself….I am neither of these types of women, I was a mid fat when I was doing porn and now I am a small fat so I’m not the super coveted of body types online. I also don’t feel comfortable trying to do sexy work when I am the only one home with my kids and my bedroom doors don’t lock and I dealt with the love of my life being arrested for well CSAM, it’s just too weird to try it again ever at this point.

I know one of the issues some of these jobs have with me is that I have to have at least one preferably both weekend days off because I have my oldest on the weekends and I refuse to not see him ever just for a job, I will sacrifice one of my weekend days with him, not both. Though honestly there are a lot of reasons they aren’t hiring me. I haven’t worked in 6 months, I was only at my last job for 4 months and I was making so little money for the months before that, I basically didn’t work. I was working 2 to 3 jobs during that period but talking about sex work in an interview is frowned upon, it’s challenging. I’ve made my mistakes, had a rough couple years in every aspect of my life. As I am writing this, I found out that the ABA job officially denied me too. I will have to go to these interviews today.

My confidence is shaking and I am about to bawl. I just want a job that I am good at, fits me, and I can actually get to. I’ll have to take he bus for a few months to get the money for my car registration, Vin certification and so on. I’m not against it, I just need work and can’t go for fast food they make less than I need to support us. Two jobs will kill me if I try to balance them, but at this rate I’m about to apply for a bunch of fast food restaurants and kill myself working. I don’t know what that would do to me and the kids but I don’t feel like I have much of a choice right now. I can’t afford anything after I paid rent on the 1st.

How do you fake confidence and enthusiasm when you are fed the fuck up with life and feel like you still aren’t going to make it through the hiring process? How do you not feel low and depressed when you’re sitting at 0/4 job offers with all of your interviews? What do you do when you’re up a creek without a paddle and everyone’s advice is change your schedule with your son or suck it up and get a job that can’t pay your bills? I can’t change the schedule on him that would fuck all of us over, his dad already got school set up and so on. I’m ready to just not talk about any interview I get and not even get excited for any of them anymore. Just assume I didn’t get the job since getting excited is just killing my soul one refusal at a time.

Yes, I am severely depressed and twice as stressed. I haven’t been sleeping because I am up all night thinking about how I am going to take care of me and the kids, how I am going to afford my life….I have a friend who has kind of mentioned me moving in once or twice and I have been so vehemently against it….I may not have a choice at this rate. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not suicidal or at risk of harming myself again. I’m not blacking out, but I am fed the fuck up with life and starting to get numb when I’m not triggered and retraumatized by the next big issue in my life.

I was feeling better, excited for the next chapter, really thought I had something in the bag that was damn good money for what I’m used to making. With every interview I was more excited until every single one turned into a resounding NO. It doesn’t help that 90% of these interviews and rejections happened during PMDD when I am the most vulnerable, I can’t talk about that in an interview either….I hoped that I could take it with a grain of salt and move on. I never expected my life to go like this, couldn’t have dreamed I would end up in such a situation and really just need one yes. That’s it, just one.

Alright, I’m done freaking out on here for now. Hopefully I come back with better news. I’m going to go work on this blanket I started for my oldest and try not to have a panic attack that my life is burning around me.