Oh my Hades, the ADHD is driving me wild. I want to finish Yarnaby’s derpy behind but I also want to crochet a dress, start sewing, get my hands on some dolls to customize, start a YouTube channel…and just so many more things. I need to calm the fuck down. With this urge to do everything and nothing at once, I am frozen with paralysis and watching the newest Youtuber I got obsessed with until I get bored and move on again. ADHD is a nightmare sometimes, especially when the hyper focus says, “bitch we need to watch EVERYTHING this creator ever did” or ya know deep dive into rabbit holes and finding out what Fat Activism really means, it’s gross and just as unhinged as who is watching family content, cuz we know it ain’t families.

But I digress, that’s a bunch of topics I don’t really care to actually get into. Something about there are plenty of commentary channels, excellent commentary channels that will bust out information faster than my brain can manage. No if I did a channel on YouTube the content would be more of welcome to the shit show that is my brain. Really I want to write funny skits about mental health and what it’s like to live in my brain (especially the insanity and cringe that is my PMDD) but much like this, I want to stay anonymous so I don’t really know how that would all work out. I’ve heard I can use a Vtube avatar so that is something to think about. For the most part, I just want to let the creativity out when it actually cooperates and allows me to unleash it.

Part of the reason the ADHD is winning out is, well no money for materials. I’ll still get a job outside the home, I gave up on working from home, I haven’t found anything that will hire me without a bachelor’s to work from home and sorry this girlie only has an associate’s degree, even though I have the knowledge of a bachelor’s just from the amount of reading and research I do. I was actually putting in job applications at the DMV while waiting to be called and the boys were chill as fuck, talk about your major multitasking. So now, we are registered! I just need to do the vin certification tomorrow before I can start the next part of the bonding process.

Side note, I feel like living in a cold shower until August is over, my fat ass doesn’t handle heat well. I may be shedding pounds (I am down to 238-ish as of today I think, I was 317 lbs when I was with my ex and I am so fucking happy to be dropping weight and keeping it off.) The heat makes me want to lay around and do nothing, I am not a lazy person, I absolutely am when I’m hot. I want the heat to fuck off and the bugs to go back to hell where they belong, the fucking mosquitos especially.

Any who, feels like things are finally going my way, the last thing I need is a job and I will be set. I found childcare, one of the women in my building and I got really close, she is happy to watch the kids. My car is one step closer to being legal, and I just need money. Honestly, if my bedroom door locked and my partner didn’t get arrested for what he did, I would 100% do porn again. I can’t so I don’t and it would feel weird to do again, especially after how the course of my life has gone.

I need to get my patterns posted too, again that takes time, energy and for it to NOT BE HOT AS BALLS outside so I can and I haven’t made any money off my last pattern so I am not jumping at the bit to post a new one right now. I also have so much stock of clothing I have already made and it’s just overflowing in my closet unable to be worn because I dropped so much weight since I made all these things, good and frustrating problem to have for sure. So the same frustrations still, no job, no money, wanting to do all the things I don’t have money for, trying to do the things I can, like writing. Doesn’t cost me anything to post these and I enjoy the blog. I’ll probably keep it going forever just for me. I’m off to go finish the last of four loads of laundry. Ta for now. Remember you aren’t alone, we’re all going through it right now. Be nice to others, you don’t know what they are going through either.