After that depressing ass post, I went to read what else I had and scrapped it. PMDD doesn’t get to win anymore, I’m in control now. I wish it was always that easy. I’ve talked about it being like a black cloud that swallows me whole but it’s so much worse than that. Among vanishing for a solid what month or two? I was honestly just trying to get my creativity back and trying not to let all the job rejections depress the fuck out of me. Then the werewolf of my Luteal cycle howled and tried to transform with me trapped inside. The PMDD book I am reading describes it as an unhinged dramatic alter ego that you watch destroy your life, loved ones, and are left standing in the wreckage of your own making dumbfounded and at a loss, trying to put yourself back together…Uh, man if I don’t feel that. I didn’t get far, it’s the same one I bought months ago. I’m getting back into it though, life got me fucked up right now, too much going on.

So other than losing my shit and stressing over things I really can’t control right now, I am trying to control the things I can. I have a few back up plans that will still work if I can’t find employment. It just sucks that the market is this, well trash. I’ve been getting my health figured out and just trying to keep my head above water. I have been journaling like a mad woman, mostly depressive stuff but hey it’s what I’m feeling. Honestly, what pulled me out of it enough to be okay was forcing myself to take care of me and the kids, and then hyper focus on something else when I felt myself going down the dark path. Hobbies are a life saver, they are just hard to do when your toddler is into literally everything.

I will say my kids definitely helped me stay out of the deep end of the depression before it got too bad. My youngest is a fucking savage, We found the new FNAF game, Secret of the Mimic. Oh my Hades, Loki, And Sephie (Persephone)… Jackie came on screen and that boy evil cackled before booking it to the tv and watching more. It was kind of glorious. I started calling him my little murder baby, I couldn’t help it, he’s a little creepy boy like his mama. What was even funnier was my oldest asking for us to watch Markiplier and the baby getting jump scared by Chica from the Security Breach opening, he then continued to cackle after he’s brother says “Mom, that’s creepy. I don’t like it when Bug laughs like that,” I couldn’t help but laugh too. We can’t help it, we all sound like Disney villains when we laugh. Deep, throaty, disturbingly unhinged, it’s just in our nature I suppose.

The best part is when they get bored on their own and go play, forgetting the tv all together and playing with each other instead of fighting over who gets what and just wanting all the attention. My oldest is enjoying cooking with me too, it’s helping me deal with my food issues and fall in love with being in the kitchen with my kids, super win win I’d say. I bought a special treat for the end of summer, I want to bake with him. He got cookie cutters and I got an idea from YouTube, that platform is dangerous for me, all the creativity and so much info at the click of the button. YouTube is my creative and ADHD happy place as well as my creativity nightmare because OMG too many options!

Anyway, they were with Ex1 all weekend until the babe got sick and they came home. We’re lounging today since the babe isnt feeling great and it’s hot as balls today. Next couple days will be running errands and such. I will try to be much better about posting …if the PMDD/PCOS/red wave of rage doesn’t make the bare minimum I have to do too be too much. I’m working on some more posts about the narcissist healing book and so on, life just kicked me where it hurt and climbing back up was difficult. Until next time.