It’s been really hard to post anything lately. I don’t think anyone wants to read about my weird deep dives, if you do comment below and I’ll happily take you down the rabbit hole. I feel crappy lately because of changing my diet, moving my body more and the soreness of losing some of the cushion is uncomfortable but I refuse to go back. It’s only been about 3 weeks of eating healthier again after 3 months of garbage (meaning the junk food that is high in things which make my PMDD and PCOS rage). There’s also insane weather changes which yes like the old folk I feel those pressure changes too.

I’m hyper sensitive to myself and my surroundings, there’s been wild fires so the smoke and crazy weather (storms still off and on all summer which is a bit unusual for Colorado, we get scattered storms now and again not storms damn near once a week every week since I don’t know March or April? On top of all this my youngest doesn’t want to stick to a sleep schedule and it’s a challenge when the whole famn damily (I did that on purpose) are a bunch insomniac loons.

It’s more than that, finding a job hasn’t been easy, I haven’t been quiet about that. I got really excited after a 2nd interview I thought meant I got the job but it’s been a week now two) no contact and it upset me more than I thought it would. I do have another interview for something else tomorrow phone interview for the initial then if they like me they’ll ask for a second interview probably in person. We’ll see how it goes I’m just losing hope. Part of that is definitely the depression and stress of constantly dwindling savings. Yeah I’ve managed to pay Feb-July without a job but I don’t have anything coming in it was strictly taxes and TANF.

Side note, its been almost a week since I had both interviews for that second job, yeah…didn’t get that one either. I’m still applying to places, scouring for a job….Door Dash might end up being what I do while I keep looking, I don’t know that it will pay the bills or be enough to pay maintenance on the car, but we will see. I’m just drowning in NO! I don’t like it. Constantly staring at my screens looking for something that is hiring and willing to take my broken ass.

Don’t get me wrong I play with my kids a lot too, the baby helps me work out. They’re spoiled with attention over much else. They’re also extremely demanding on my time and energy both fighting for all of it. I’m one person and no single child deserves all your attention 24/7 that’s way unrealistic you have your own life as do your children. You have to balance you and them. Being home with them 24/7 makes those boundaries harder to establish especially with an only semi verbal toddler and by that I mean he says things that say like phrases in toddlerese.

I want to say it’s getting easier but my pessimistic side is showing it’s ugly face. As one with oh so much trauma in my life I don’t exactly have a toxic positive side or even a super positive side. Something I’m working on is just being more of a realist with an optimistic eye instead of just a stupid sour pessimist who gives no fucks because the world is ending, America sucks right now, has my whole adulthood let’s be honest, and of course feeling like I’m drowning and going nowhere fast instead of having a job and getting back on me feet finally.

I’m hoping this next interview actually works out but we will see. Only time can tell. I’m just burned out and tired already. Having a job isn’t going to take that burn out away but it can help with it because the stress of not having funds is more stress than trying to work with kids. Anyway I’m really just trying to hang in there and feel like I’m going to fail at any moment but I’m still here.

P.S. Sorry it is taking so long to pump these out with everything else I have had going on. The creativity just wasn’t there. I have another draft to edit then I think I will write a funny post. The kids got up to some funny shenanigans while I was AWOL.

Am I the only one feeling the pressures these days? I know I’m not. I know my friends are struggle bussing hard too. Granted most of them don’t have the specific issues I do, maybe one of them is dealing with some criminal shit with a partner but not to this degree….actually I can’t imagine being in her shoes either. It feels like her situation is worse than mine in the relationship aspect, the crime on both sides are shitty.

Anyway, we’re all going through something and a lot of us are depressed. It’s harder to be funny and sarcastic feeling so low but I’d rather just be honest than hide what’s going on. In a way this is a live journal to showcase the ups and downs of life, for me there can be a lot of downs before any ups as I’ve already showcased. I know things will turn around again they always do, I just endure a lot of shit in the interim.