After a week straight of staring at computer and phone screens for hours doing research, job hunting, what have you, trying to get X, Y, Z done; we took a lazy weekend consisting of relaxing and a birthday party. This morning, I slept in a little, we all did. Before it got too hot, we went to the park and I let them run out some of their energy. I got to smile and laugh, watching them run around the park, mostly my oldest pushing my youngest in the stroller. It was so cute, one of the moments that I absolutely will cherish forever. My little Rawr Rawr toddler was giggling and squealing, Booga laughing maniacally while he runts through the trail pushing the stroller under my supervision.

With the summer schedule it’s challenging to get sleep at decent hours, my oldest is a morning person now because of school, my youngest always the night owl. I try to fix the schedule but it’s hard I have insomnia, my children do as well. These children are stubborn and will fight to stay up no matter what I try. I let them wear themselves out and go to bed. The oldest is pretty good about bed by 9 or 930 depending what we have going on but the babe kept me up until 2 this morning. I got up around 9 this morning, got some decent sleep out of it. I also received some good news about my benefits. They were upped just enough to help me swing the rest of July and August bills. I’m so truly grateful because there has not been a hit with the job hunt yet, but it still gives me time. If the car is registered at the end of July I can still door dash and so on.

Instead of focusing on how stressed out I am, that court is looming over head, that funds are running out, the kids destroy the apartment daily. I try to focus on the good and not push myself past my limits. Easier said than done right? Absolutely. Something that helps is definitely making fun names for the messes as I continue to clean them. They won’t stop, I have kids, the messes might get easier to contain and getting help cleaning will probably be easier as they get older. My oldest does try to help a lot, I will say that, he’s a big contributor to the mess, he also helps when he sees me cleaning it. Now to get him to clean unprompted, we’re almost there!

So, I wear the broom and dustpan as a shield and sword, venture into the dangerous terrains of the great paper massacres and wreckage left behind by the toypocalypse and crumageddon. Scurrying to beat the ant invasion or blanket tornadoes flying around the apartment when the baby is in his groove. Then of course the typhoon of beverages that somehow make their way to the floor creating flood lands before I get them with a towel, mop the sticky away when I have a chance. Of course then toddlezilla gets mad and decides now we must make more mess. Never ended play time, am I right?

Now as insane and obnoxious as the Tasmanian toddler can be, his tantrums are sometimes funny as hell. “Why are you crying baby? Because mommy’s cleaning?” Usually, he shakes his head “yes”. Or he’s tired and his bed is moved so I can clean under and around it, of course mommy betrayed him by removing the crumbs and toys. Then once he sees how much running space there is he’s happy until he finds more clothes to create a mountain with, blankets to create a tornado with, a snack or full meal to make crumageddon with, let’s not forget his brother’s dinosaurs for land mines, the damn stego got my foot more times than I care to admit one night. His favorite though is mommy’s yarn. Oh my Hades, the crime scene he can create with a single scrap ball of yarn is just raptor screech worthy sometimes.

All this to say that yes, I disappear. Posting isn’t always at the top of my priority list and these children are just as feral as I am, which doesn’t help. I routinely end up picking my sanity over fighting with the toddler to get a post up, end up losing track of time job searching, caring for the other things around the house, cleaning, and remembering to talk to my friends before they order a wellness check (teasing, mostly, if the PMDD shows certain signs I get out of the house before it gets worse). I disappear on them too. I have mental and physical health issues I’m working with, a lot of stress on my plate, and sometimes my feral ass wants to bite everyone and romanticize bed rot (I’ve seen the YouTubers commenting on it). Sometimes I just want to watch my true crime shows in bed, crocheting and eating my favorite snack yet again. But that isn’t healthy and the kids need a mom who is present for them. I’d miss out on my kids fun and I wouldn’t change the giggles, laughter, and messy memories for a hundred years the other way. I am happy to have them even if this is so challenging to do alone, I take them over not having them any day. I love these wildlings I created.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually glorified my can’t get out of bed days, I’ve definitely been open about being damn near bed ridden in the past, my second pregnancy was very high risk and I was very much stuck in bed for the majority of it, I was really close to developing preeclampsia from my stress levels. I have been one to always have a job or be doing some sort of hustle on the side, in this economy, the side hustles are more just for fun when I can afford materials at this rate. Writing patterns when I have the chance, I make my own patterns, might as well sell them, and just writing this blog, partially for me and a way to track my journey, partially for others, I know I’m not the only one going through it.

My particular situation is pretty unique but I’m not alone in any part of this journey. I’m not the only single mom, I’m not the only one who lost her love to the prison system, or had to navigate the challenges that came with it, I’m not the only one with a tiny support system, I’m not alone in feeling lost, and I’m certainly not alone in feeling the pressure to find a job and become stable in this mother fucking apocalyptic hell scape we live in today. Anything other than making money in this economy? Girl you’re crazy. I watch too much YouTube, I can’t even take credit for that, I got it from Swoop, she says blank (be it whatever the topic) “Girl in this economy”.

Anyway, that’s my spiel for today, remember you aren’t alone either. The world is a scary place these days. We’re in it together whether you like it or not. Shoot me a message or comment below if you feel like reaching out. You can also remain anonymous and share your story. Be kind to yourself and remember someone cares. This one is super important, take a moment and appreciate the small things. I still have a hard time doing this, especially in a PPMD spiral or a major depressive episode, however, I do try to take in the small things every chance I get. It helps a lot, I am overall more positive MOST of the time. Even with all of the challenges I have been facing since February.

Side note, I hope you enjoyed all the goofy mess memes. As a mom, I feel them all.