It has been a hell of a week since I last posted. Nothing has really changed except getting a car I can’t drive until I get all these things taken care of. I’ve been trying to get a job, find child care, so far both have been a bit of a bust. It’s getting to the point I might have to ride the bus for a while to get us where we need to go, the old car is on it’s absolute last legs and the new car is not legal to drive yet, I would rather not get pulled over, a massive ticket, and the car impounded. Other people can risk it but I’m more of a goodie, goodie than that. Well not always, but in this case I am. I can’t afford a ticket, or to lose the car I just got. So for a couple months while waiting on the vin certification, and everything else, it’s the bus or broke old car. Savings are dwindling, it would take a miracle to pay August’s rent now. I have July paid at least.

The kids have been sensory and wild, I have been trying to get everything I can done without burning out. It’s difficult though, I get overwhelmed when the tasks pile up to fast and with a toddler and a 7-year-old motor mouth… let’s just say we threaten to sell them to the circus, monkeys, or gypsies “Rugrats” style. I’m kidding, of course, I would never get rid of my babies, quite the opposite they are my entire world. Though between their extra clinginess and having a hard time finding a job that I’m qualified for, a good fit, can make work with the children, and isn’t a total scam…well that seems fucking impossible these days. I feel like I keep taking two steps forward to get knocked four steps back. Of course, being chased around the house by two children who are crying or asking you 50 questions before coffee is absolutely worth feeling like ripping your hair out first thing in the morning.

Most definitely stressed, trying not to slip into a major depression, my heart breaks when my kids start to freak out because I know it’s not that they are mad at me, they are mad at the situation and miss their dad/step-dad. The oldest really only lashes out when he doesn’t get his way, typical of a 7-year-old. The toddler though, he freaks out every other day, needs a more extra attention and some tricks to help him miss his dad less. It’s a band-aid, I know, but they aren’t allowed contact and he wouldn’t understand anyway. Hard times getting harder. Anyway, I keep putting my best foot forward, I am still applying, still looking, still putting the feelers out there. I have been on the job sites and researching other money avenues for at least 1 hour every single day. Most days are closer to 6 hours or more but when you search for hours with only one or two jobs, it’s hard. I used to be able to be picky about what I wanted. Now? I’m lucky if my field is hiring. When did jobs completely become a no go? Seriously, what happened to the job market that no you have to fake you have an interview and show up waiting for hours or call and basically harass this place every day. What?

To fill my time when I’m not being harassed by children, taking care of/ playing with them, or looking for work I am usually trying to stay in contact with my support system without being a negative black whole of cynicism and do things like crochet or watch my favorite shows ( tv is usually in the background, yay ADHD.), between my PMDD monster brain and the ungodly amounts of stress, easier said than done. My dark humor doesn’t want to come out to play like usual, my doom and gloom Eeyore side is. Pooh Bear and friends may accept that type of personality but that is fiction and it’s less accepted among people. I try not to sequester and isolate, again easier said than done. I am still doing mental health work and so on, I just have a plate that is overloaded and about to crash to the floor.

Turns out, I was also very much hangry, I ate and came back to it, still stressed but less doom and gloom. It is hard to reach out to people I trust because of the incident in February, I feel isolated and different since, who wouldn’t? However, I don’t really know how to talk about my life with people right now. I’m home with my kids around the clock and people around me want to know how and why. My partner got arrested 4 months ago is kind of a mood killer and makes people question your judgement. Ask me how I know. This blog is dedicated to mental health, parenthood, and life. I write the things here I can’t say out loud in my day to day life. Either way, I am exhausted and drained. I am still smiling at least a little every day with these rambunctious cartoon characters I call my children and as much as I wish for a better situation, I don’t regret or hate my life choices, not anymore. I love my kids more than my own life, I love the things I have accomplished and as scared, hopeless as I have been feeling for the past 4 months, I know that I work hard enough to make it all work out one way or another.

If I’m anxious and overwhelmed, I calm myself down, put my big girl pants on, maybe cry about it then deal with my life. I am making sure to develop good habits with my kids and give myself a little grace when I have some short comings. No one is perfect, especially not me. I won’t pretend to be, I work on making myself better, listen to my body when I can, so on. My life isn’t perfect, it is mess, stressful, and honestly sometimes I wish it wasn’t mine. It is and I deal with the trauma I have been dealt through out my life the best I can. May not be the most uplifting message, it’s at least honest. I’m fighting another day to have a better future for myself and these wild children I gave birth to. I love them so.

I hope this post wasn’t too doom and gloom. I try to show the ups and downs of my life and what I am going through, some days are better than others, it’s a lot of bad days the past 4 months, though of course, there are good days, good moments in the bad days. My crazy cinema journey, the children’s laughter and playing, etc. is really what makes my days better. Remember, you aren’t alone, even in your unique situation, even if you feel you have nobody, somebody cares and you aren’t alone. You aren’t completely helpless, trust me I know it can feel that way most days. Reach out, shoot me an email if you need to talk, comment on this post, and remember you can stay anonymous.