Last time I called the courthouse for information on my case, the information was wrong. I went for copies and 90% of what they had filed was actually filed by me, even though it said he also filed it. So I trekked down there hoping for more answers, it was a bust, I am still the one who turned stuff in. I am also still stressed because I want to turn in the updated financials and the spousal support worksheet, I can’t without his information and it still isn’t filed. Meaning I am still the one who is doing the most even though he is the one with a lawyer. I honestly wonder if he even gave them his financials. It feels like he hired them to know everything about me and let no one know what is actually going on with him. That or he is prolonging as long as he can because starting this fucked him over financially and now he’s realizing he metaphorically stepped in some shit that exploded his life and trying to close the case all together since his TPO was a huge bust, as was his custody attempts, we were married 5 years this month, in a couple days actually, and he is probably going to have to pay me alimony since he makes more money and so on.

However, I’m mad, and persistent. I want no ties after the things he has pulled, he’s lucky I care more about getting my life back on track than filing my own TPO or dragging him through the mud (hence why this is all anonymous). I just want him gone and to get my life started again. The owner of the BMW isn’t answering, I will call him again tomorrow, see if I can get him to agree to a drive test on Sunday. If he doesn’t get back to me I will be researching other cars, something I was already planning to do, the kids are just making things difficult. It is storming so they are both a bit much. They can’t help it, their sensory issues act up worse. I get it, I have them too. I just didn’t know what it was until I had kids and medical diagnoses have become more up to date.

I ended up starting this post yesterday while the baby was napping and my own sensory issues were acting up. I played some animal crossing, wrote maybe 2 paragraphs, checked the mail twice to make sure i didn’t do it too soon and miss the mail man, and a couple other things. Today started with feeling drained and not ready for the day. The baby woke up at 3, bright and early, it took us both a couple hours to get back to sleep. Just to get up with my oldest going a million miles an hour, the little screaming in the corner. Unable to take my time breathing and waking up, I’m off to the races. Bathroom, bottle made, monster in hand, snacks for the babe, breakfast for the oldest all done.

I can roll out of bed and move, I don’t like to, I like to take a couple hours doing something for myself to wake up, then go get all my things done for the day. It’s hard to do that when you have a tiny human who wakes up at 100, ready to terrorize the house and a 7-year-old ready to ask 50 questions in five seconds when you first wake up. Summer is rough because one kid likes to go to bed late and the other goes to bed early since he was in school. Sometimes I get 8 hours of sleep, sometimes I get 4. Lately it i closer to 8, but I don’t get any me time, or if I do, I risk the wrath of the kids for closing my door.

For now, I’m still tracking down car leads until one eventually pans out, paid rent for next month, just so it’s done, am working on a new crochet pattern, and I am looking at indeed when I can, the little doesn’t like me on my computer. I do what I can like starting posts and easy phone tasks when he is occupied. While the baby sleeps and the oldest is at his dad’s I’m going to be spending the weekend looking at potential jobs on the sites that you need a computer for. I still would love to work from home, have the other stuff for back up, so on and so forth. I have the list of things I will need to take care of so I can keep moving forward. I feel slow and a little scared, but I know I will be okay. I will figure it out, one way or another. A month and a half is a long time and a lot can happen. Especially since the worst of the post incident events is behind us (hopefully). The divorce will hopefully still be pushed through even if I don’t have everything turned in, I have what I can turned in and proof I have been trying and getting no where. As of yesterday, Ex 2 still doesn’t have financials in and we’re still working towards paternity, etc. I just don’t really know what’s going on right now, it is hurry up and wait again situation. I don’t do well with the waiting part of it all.

I know it will be okay, when I had my crisis, it felt like nothing would work out. I was borrowing money from a friend, trying to figure out how to get my check cashed to buy more time, and so on. Now, I have rent paid up, my friend paid off, and some money for a car. I am looking for the car, and I know the right one will come to me at the perfect time, just like last time. I will figure out child care, a job, and everything else. Even if it takes a bit, I will do it. I knew the summer would be more of a challenge. That was why the biggest thing I was doing, was holding down the fort until I can get everything figured out. I hate saying all the cliches, but they are there and usually right for a reason.

I can’t pretend I don’t say these things to myself over and over to get it through my thick skull too, my PMDD can be louder than me sometimes, with my PCOS, I have hormone level issues and my period is erratic, meaning the PMDD can be too. I also struggle with anxiety, CPTSD, and depression on top of it, so I am a bit of a basket case with extra crazy going on right now. I do the best I can to balance, it’s difficult but I try. Relaxing is almost impossible when you live with ADHD, trauma, and autism. I have a hard time sitting still anyway, then I feel guilty if I don’t do everything I can. Then I have to rest, convince myself it’s okay to take a day or two. End up in overwhelm with the kids, and get right back into doing a million things in one day. Vicious cycle. I’ve done a lot in small doses over the last couple months, just trying to space out my day and account for the kids.

Balance is still difficult, especially with health issues both physical like chronic pain, and mental like everything I have been listing. I am rewatching season 1 of High Potential on Hulu in the background of this post and other work I am doing. I don’t have to pay close attention so I can keep working without getting too drawn in again, yay hyper fixation!!!! Can’t help it, this show is incredible and I am tired of my eldest’s crap on the TV. He also fought with me all morning, oooh, mom is single, and he thinks he can be the man of the house. I have to keep reminding him that he is, indeed 7, need’s to calm down a little bit, he’s not an adult, I will not treat him as such until he is. I treat him with respect, I don’t treat him like a grown man.

There have been rolling storms for what feels like a month and a half almost two months straight, the kids are sensory overwhelmed, my youngest is barely verbal. When I got to the bottom of the yelling and insanity it was that both kids miss my partner, making me cry with them, I know my babies, I miss him too. This is hard on all of us, the secondary victims of a crime, the family lost in the wayside because one of the stability pieces went away. We’re the forgotten and broken, it’s hard, we try to stay to ourselves and not ask for much, what do we do when we have very little and not a lot of support.

My oldest is opening up more about missing his step dad, my youngest cries and needs me to spray his dad’s cologne almost every other day, and I will admit that I was pulling away because I missed him too. I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it, I just…still have a very long road ahead of me with this. I need to do some school research for myself soon so I can go back to college before the deferred loans get worse. Yay, having a million things to do and feeling like there is no way to get them done. Again, I know I will, still tired as hell and dreading it. Any who, I am off to figure out dinner and the rest of the night/ week. Good afternoon lovelies.