Woke up to nature calling, as one does (Saturday, June 14th, editing late). My phone starts dinging as I lay back down and roll over. It’s K asking my plans for the day. We’re both losing track of days since it’s summer vacation, she had surgery, and I am not working right now. Her son is back home visiting family for the summer so as long as she doesn’t have an appointment she is resting and chilling while that hip heals. My kids are still home of course, so I lose track of days due to children and sheer overwhelm with task overload, too many demands, and sensory issues out the wazoo. My children and I are diagnosed with some of our issues, not all, I know a lot of these things are comorbid and I have the symptoms. It’s hard to go to the doctor for myself with 2 kids, one of which is a toddler, and I learned a lot of home remedies and self care tricks to deal with my issues. Thank you TikTok and a stay at home partner who loved to learn as much as I do. It’s hard not having him for that, I despise TikTok and most other social medias, I don’t judge people who use them, they’re bad for my mental health personally, so I avoid them.

My back and hips have been killing me, the sciatica acting up, hips popping out of place and back in again. Rough pregnancies, back problems, and joint poppage (I pop my back a lot more than the average person too.) makes me really happy my kids aren’t back to back. I don’t think I would have escaped my mother or Ex1 when we were toxic if I was pregnant when I left. One kid alone is easier than two when they are both really little. My oldest is at an age he wants to help and I have to remind him to back off and let me be the parent sometimes. I think 5 1/2 years can be great or horrible depending. In our case they are both really smart and my oldest was delayed for a while, he didn’t speak in full understandable sentences until he was 5, didn’t potty train fully until right before the baby was born at 5 1/2, was in speech and OT for years, and still has an IEP at school. He didn’t really start acting close to his age until Ex2 dipped and then everything with my partner’s arrest. He came online a little faster than he should have but we’re coping how we can. I won’t lie, his want to be helpful has always been strong and the urge to help me clean is much appreciated. In that regard, I will take the help in doses like cleaning his room or picking up trash when he sees it, helping me sweep (making more mess but its cute he tries).

I help my kids regulate their emotions and talk to me often. I ask them questions, communicate how I am feeling at an age appropriate level and treat them with respect. I do talk to them like mini adults a lot because I know they understand me, I also try to balance love and compassion with discipline and consequences of our own actions. I let them feel their emotions in a safe way and get them out so we can discuss it. My oldest knows my partner is in jail (little eavesdropper was supposed to be asleep, overheard me talking to a friend late one night) and that it’s a grown up time out. He has no concept of time and thinks that dad is coming home soon but also taking a million years. The “when he is coming home” part is the part I skirt and have trouble with. I have to consult with Ex1 about it first and we want to talk about it together because that is an unknown. I just stick with “he loves you guys and misses you, I know he does”. We talk about how hard it is, the changes in the immediate future, our feelings, and that we’re going to be okay no matter what, I won’t let anything happen to them. Anyway, enough of my ADHD tirade.( I don’t usually feel the need to mention I am also ADHD it’s obvious in the way I do any of my freestyle writing, and I’m open that my oldest was diagnosed when he was 5). We’re looping around, bear with me.

After discussing plans with K, I decided to get up and take a bath while the littles were still snoozing. It was 6:00 A.M. and I was hurting, anxiety high with the amount of tasks seeming to grow instead of shrink. While I was in about to get in the tub my 7 year old caught me passing through and asked if he could watch cartoons. I said okay, I’ll be in the tub. About halfway through the bath I hear the 2 year old start cooing and little pitter patters as he races into the bathroom, bedhead and sleepy eyes apparent. He’s holding his brother’s clothes yanked from a drawer at some point and wander in, I say high to him and he bolts from the room pitter pattering some more.

I giggle, trying to secure some plans over the weekend for research. I’m drained but these are things I have to do and I can take a mental rest day Monday or Tuesday, I’m used to being go, go, go until I drop, taking a rest day, getting a million things done the next, then dying for about a week before I continue the process. Autism and ADHD at their finest I suppose. I also have chronic pain, some mental disorders that coincide with my PCOS, and hormone issues, of course trauma. It’s hard to get out of bed most days, yet I don’t really know how to sit still either. I had a kid free weekend and still ran errands, did laundry, and cleaned. Slept 6ish hours the first night and 10 the next. I have insomnia, what can I say?

We’re still trying to get the dresser and desk to my place, we’ve both had things happening and it’s been raining. I’m having a hard time focusing on getting anything else done with my stuff in baskets blocking my closet, the crochet corner, and everything else. There’s also the issue of getting the energy to do anything, just to get shot down by kids. I got my computer out, my oldest was immediately more interested in what I was doing than the TV. He stops asking questions in time for my youngest to knock over a drink, throw all his clothes on the floor, and get “stuck” in the toy box so he could scream bloody murder for the attention. I’ve stopped typing at least 3 or 4 different times for one thing or another and by the time I’m done typing I will have to leave and come back to it. Some days I get a post done in 20 minutes, some days it’s a span of 3 to 5. Other’s I wrote in a journal and type from it a week later, it just depends. I still have 2 paper drafts I’m working on from the abuse healing guide with the longest name ever, I just…have been distracted by new dilemma’s and time crunches to handle them.

Of course, children are an around the clock job, the responsibility to cook, clean, bathe them, play with them, everything else on the to do list. They make the two second task a twenty minute task. I definitely walk in a room and forget what I am doing way more now than ever with two shadows constantly glued to me. Every task takes three times as long now. Especially not having the help I once did.