I started a post yesterday before heading back to my place and preparing for the children to come back home. I ended up scrapping it because it was just filled with anxiety and fear of the unknown, while I am very honest about my mental health issues and the negative things going on in my life, I want give a more accurate representation of what actually happened and where that anxiety came from now that I am separated from the situation and understand more where I was coming from myself. It started with the movie Straw on Netflix. K said I should watch it so we ended up doing so together during dinner Saturday night and wow… I felt this woman so hard the whole movie. I wanted to hold her and say ” baby, I understand. I’m going through the ringer myself. Let me help you.” I won’t spoil the movie but it played on some of my own issues, battles, and fears. Amazing Tyler Perry movie and honey, this ain’t no Madea story, it’s tense the whole fucking time. Viewer discretion is advised tenfold with this trigging ass amazing movie.

Spent Friday cleaning the apartment, taking care of the kids, packing for the weekend for all three of us, then ran and got gas and a vape. Mama needs her nicotine, leave me be. I got to her place about 8:30 p.m., finished the last 3 or 4 episodes of season 3 of Ginny and Georgia with her. Went to bed about 1:30 a.m. then got up and went off on my adventure to restock my Mary J., get my nails and hair done. Felt bad I spent money on myself then watched Straw adding to my money worries. Binged most of season 1 of Ginny and Georgia yesterday while working on laundry. I went to bed early on Saturday and slept about 10 hours. Beat Ex1 and his girlfriend home to put laundry away, make beds, and breathe before the hellions got here.

I’m proud to say the boys needed bathed last night and I got them both showered/bathed and to bed by 10:30 P.M., they rolled up to the apartment with the kids at about 7:30, left about 8:00 P.M. Felt like a huge accomplishment getting everyone settled so fast.

When I did the post yesterday it was a couple hours before I left and I was feeling negative and anxious for a number of reasons. I wasn’t hearing from Ex1 and I have some experience with people attempting to steal my children, more than one attempt/ occasion. Straw had me feeling some kind of way, and I haven’t been secret about my financial struggles and how scared I am. So it all kind of festered. I heard from Ex1, got some new ideas for income, A.K.A. waiting for fall for the LLC so dickhead can’t say shit or harass me, stalk it, sabotage it. The divorce will hopefully be final in October. Keep writing crochet patterns, work on this and the book, and do Grub Hub/ DoorDash with the kids, who needs a sitter when you’re delivering food with the babes? So yeah. A lot of new pathways and doors opened. I just needed to have a mini melt down first. I need the shirt with the unicorn laying on a pillow crying saying “I’ll get over it, I just need to be a little bit dramatic first”, really, it’s true. Let me cry about it first dammit. Then I will come up with a plan.

Anyway, it’s been hard to post with the PMDD and PCOS hormonal shifts, my other health issues, and the kids being maniacs. Some days I go, go, go until I drop, other days i can’t get the fuck out of bed for more than bare minimum care of myself and the kids. I know I’m not in the best spot and things are challenging, I’m just grateful there are jobs like Grub Hub I can do. I have a support system, though small it’s there and it’s mine. Ex1 was great with the kids, brought them both home tired, happy, and full bellied. He even bought some new clothes and toys for the babe to bring home and keep. I know it was hard on him, my youngest is an emotional terrorist and knows how to weaponize those cries for pure mischief man. I appreciate any small break I can get these days. I love my kids, they are a lot for two people and it is just me.

Moral of the story, I needed to stop panicking there is always a way, now I need to find a car since I have some money stashed away for one. It’s not a lot of money but it’s something and the right vehicle will fall into place. I will make this work even if everything feels hopeless most days, I know there is a way out of this insanity. Now that I don’t have all the shoe drops coming back for more, I can really focus on what I need to for the financial stability I so deeply crave.

Remember, it can’t last forever, every storm runs out of rain eventually. You aren’t alone, there is always help out there somewhere, resources in nooks and crannies. I had to do my fair share of digging but I didn’t give up and I have been able to make it this far, so can you.