Today started a little more frustratingly than most. I woke up feeling drugged and sore. We ended up crashing at a friend’s house last night, the kids and I, the bed was amazingly comfortable, my back just hates me right now with all my sciatic problems showing their faces and none of my normal pillows to prop and stabilize me. Got more wild when the oldest decided to turn on YouTube and wake me up. Something he knows he isn’t allowed to do, YouTube is only allowed when I am watching and can keep track of what he turns on otherwise he goes down a dopamine chase loop, gets really mean and ornery. The baby got up and demanded my head… it was fun.

Really, the baby just wanted to get into everything and stim so loud it echoed, you know the usual for him. We’re just you know, not home and they are so fucking loud. The dog doesn’t help, she barks loudly, all the time. Steals the baby’s food, doesn’t help throws it on the floor constantly and she thinks that means it is hers. But the oldest will fight me on everything, argues, yells at me. the works. Doesn’t get violent but he’s raised a fist like he’s going to. Friday he sees his doctor and I 1,000% plan to ask for another referral for mental health services for the kids. I know I need help too, I’m getting it via mental health workbooks, friends, and support groups, I might find a couple more i could use.

Anyway, we came over to our friend’s place for a BBQ and just fun night. I didn’t intend to sleep over but the oldest begged so we did. I’m glad we did, I’m closer to the courthouse and can get that done today if I so choose. I need to finish two papers before June 2nd and I got time, just not much. I would like to just get it over with but my executive dysfunction is bad right now, yay ADHD. I don’t want to do it so I won’t, until last minute, and think about it, stress over it for weeks until its done. I didn’t ask to be this fucked up, I just am. No, I’ll probably finish this post then jump over and try to work on that in a minute. I want to get it turned in today and just not have to worry about it.

I was waiting to hear from Ex2’s lawyer and get some more information from him but whatever. If I wait for him for anything, I will be waiting for forever and I could have a letter in the mail saying he and his lawyer e-filed their response. His lawyer feels as useless as he is minus the fact he told the man to back off the custody part. I say he, the lawyer could be a woman, I don’t know. I found out about the lawyer same day of court, that was also when I found out he wasn’t pursuing the custody case anymore, so ya know….insanity.

Anyway, let’s talk about some wins this month because I am tired of bitching about how shitty my life has been for the past few months. Rent is paid, for 3 more months (June is paid, I have the money for the two months after), I have some money started in a savings for a car, I can care for my kids for 3 more months without an issue. Hopefully I can make some money by then, i have TANF and SNAP in the meantime and completed the 89 plus hours this month for work search already. I do have a food stamp re-evaluation on the 2nd of June as well, but I am pretty sure I will be fine. I just HATE phone calls, if it is text able, don’t call me.

Now, I need to figure out my LLC for the Farmer’s markets and go from there, I did put a new pattern up on Ribblr and now this so we’re getting somewhere. The job market is scares and I am scared I won’t find something but I know eventually the right job will come along, it always does and I haven’t been homeless yet. Close, but never actually homeless. I don’t plan to break that streak now. I’ve been making sure to keep up with journals of serious events for the book as well. Haven’t had much time to work on it, but I don’t foresee it being done for a year or two. Events still unfolding and all that. I want to give this book as real an ending as possible and the truth is the best real ending I can give it, there is also a lot of other work and research I want to do for the book. I want to go back to school too.

Anyway, where do the coconuts come in? That’s us the people in the house, we’re the lovely bunch of coconuts, we’re hard headed and nutty, what else could you ask for. (I’m kidding, there is a lot of good and bad with nutty and stubborn, literally hard headed people). Remember there’s ups and downs, even if the downs feel like they will never end, they have to. Sometimes it is a matter of doing what you can while you can and waiting for the opportunity to come to you.