I went to my support group yesterday, got a lot of info, cried, shared my story. Found out about a super secretive retreat I am going to try and attend when I get the chance, my first son’s father Aka Ex1 and his wonderful woman are willing to help me go for the weekend, keep my youngest and even take me to the event. I love them for helping me so much and for where we are now. 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine we could be here. We got very close after my partner’s arrest and I appreciate his support now. We’ve been able to have each other’s backs, that is important today, not just for us, for the child we had together.

Now the crazy part, ready for this? Ex2 folded, he is backing off on custody for my youngest, and giving me what I want in the divorce. Looks like I finally got through to him with my paperwork, that or the lawyer he hired told him what the lawyer I talked to told me, that he has no case. The guy I talked to wanted it because it was fun, complex as far as the paperwork, and easy because I was in the right. Funny, he never won an argument with me, I knew he wouldn’t win a legal battle, the fact he tried while I was in PMDD was not cool and I am thrilled to say, PMDD may have delayed me a couple times, it hasn’t stopped me completely. Luckily, as tired and crazy busy as I am, it doesn’t feel as daunting with PMDD laying dormant.

The sleep deprivation, however, is still a total cunt bag and I want my money back. Anyway, now I am going from a full custody war to a normal divorce, no kids, we’re just tacking on the disproving paternity which, OMG this is the best outcome i could have asked for. It sounds like now instead of a lengthy custody battle it’s one more hearing at the end of summer simply because we have to do the paternity test. I don’t know what force answered my prayers and got this man to see the light, I’m genuinely guessing it’s the lawyer, I’m grateful in any case. This is the best outcome I could have asked for short of him dropping dead. I as shaking at the beginning of court because I was scared I was going to miss it, I panicked forgetting to USE THE DAMN QR CODE DUMMY (Yelling at myself).

So what is next? Turn in that damn affidavit I’ve been behind turning in, I am exhausted and I was in Mental Crisis at a friends house, trying to hold it together and do a million other things with cranky kids, you try it. Not fun. K was with my youngest for a couple hours and told me the other day she honestly doesn’t know how I get anything done with my little terrors. She loves them, they’re just a lot, I get it, hers are almost grown. Then, get all my TANF stuff turned in, turn in the paperwork for my divorce, keep waiting for my ID, push forward, one day at a time, while also keeping track of days. I kind of lost them there when I was in the PMDD haze and at my friend’s place. Can’t keep doing that. It’s not healthy and deadlines are important, I slacked on one, can’t slack on anymore.

I still can’t believe my life has taken these turns, that I am where I am now. I can’t say I hate it as much because things are finally calming down and I finally started to pull myself from isolation. I felt kind of cute when I left the house to do things the last couple days, felt like a badass when I drove home from court stuff, and smiled more in the last few days than I have in the last few months. There finally feels like a light at the end of the tunnel and while the road ahead isn’t easy, it’s worth it, and I finally feel like I’m going in the right direction. Court with Ex2 was my biggest stressor, even over my partner’s arrest. His stalking behavior had me on edge on a whole new level and I am glad I can start putting his abuse behind me, finally.