Today and tomorrow are busy, today is a lot of good and fun/ stress, tomorrow is mostly stress. Today, in about an hour and a half maybe 2 depending when the baby wakes up, I’ll be going home, I’ve been with my friend since Wednesday, as much as I am dreading going back to the quiet, I am also looking forward to being back in my bubble. Though, today there won’t be much peace. I have to go get vacuum attachments from my friend, clean the apartment. get ready, and go to the support group. Then when I get home from group, the friend watching my babe will stay and have a BBQ with me, something I am always in the mood for.

I feel bad he is going to be alone with 3 under 3 for a couple hours, but my place is a pretty safe space to wrangle them. I’m also goin to return the favor and watch his littles when he needs me to. I don’t expect or ask anything of anyone that I wouldn’t do for them. And tomorrow is court for the divorce. It’s anxiety inducing because court but freeing because I initiated this one and other than turning in the signed affidavit of service I’m pretty on top of it. The friend I have been staying with, has been pretty great. We’ve spent most of our time in separate rooms, doing our own thing, but just being able to have some space from my kids has been helpful. I remembered why I like going outside in the evening during warmer months too. I love summer nights, I lived on my back deck most summers when I still owned the house.

I will say that the meeting today is stress because of the topic, but there are great resources I needed and other people in my situation there, it’s only once a month and I really could use this help. I feel like I am going to an AA meeting but in a way it’s extremely similar. This is a sickness for them as much as alcohol is. It’s a support group for S.O.s and their families. Honestly I want to get extremely involved with this group , especially after everything myself and my partner went through since the arrest. I want to help people that are in the same situation and honestly, I’m okay helping rehabilitate offenders, anyone willing to do the work deserves a second chance. We are all capable of greatness whether dark or light, what matters is how we learn and grow from it. If you fucked up and are trying to change, I think you deserve the second chance.

I know that isn’t popular opinion but I’m more intelligent than that, there are nuances and shades of grey, nothing is that black and white. After the research I have done on A.C.E.S. or adverse childhood experiences, effects of trauma on the brain, and what causes these cycles. Sometimes you don’t know why you are the way you are or can’t control impulses until you get the proper help. That stands for anyone, not just S.O.s or addicts or those who engage in D.V. Psychology is so much more than just mental disorders and talking it out, there is so much that goes into it. Honestly, the reason I wanted to be a clinical social worker, is the psyche aspect and helping people.

Anyway, this situation made me want to go back to school and get my degree so I can help people even more, I’ve been thinking about doing some form of advocate work for victims of abuse since the arrest and I really want to do it even more so now. Who knows, I might get my social work degree after all, I just know this isn’t the last stop for me and whether my craft business takes off or not, I know I want to help people still. That is why I started this blog, am writing a book about my experiences since the arrest, etc. Even if I never get rich and famous, it was never about that to begin with. I need money to survive, but I need to help others because I know how it feels to be pushed into a corner, feeling trapped, and like you can’t see an end in sight. I never want anyone to feel as alone as I have.

That being said, you are not alone. You are worthy of love from yourself and others. Doing the work for self improvement is challenging at best and can make you feel like you’re breaking apart, you are to build up a better you. You are not your trauma and you are allowed to forgive yourself for who you were in survival mode. Most importantly don’t be afraid to reach out when you feel like you aren’t okay. I was in a really dark place recently and reaching out saved me. If you don’t have friends or family, reach out, you have a crazy auntie in me and you will not lose the support.