I’m not proud to admit that I have felt so weak these last few days…week.. heh… I wasn’t going to ask for help, I was going to stay home and deal with my crisis alone. Something I have been used to doing in my past, haven’t really had to do alone for 3 years until now. I got through the majority of a PMDD crisis for the first time alone, aside from my kids, love them, they don’t help because they feed off the emotions and spin out too. A friend reached out and offered for us to stay with her for a couple days to help out. I’m used to being the one to offer to stay when I am helping out, not the other way around. I’m thankful for her offer regardless. As much as the kids are driving me batty, having her and her partner around to help wrangle him is nice.

I was nervous to stay with her, I haven’t been the best company and she has a lot on her own plate. I’m not one to enjoy adding to it. My toddler is also acting like a fucking monster. He is definitely in the terrible twos and won’t ease up on the insanity and bullshit. He is into everything and demands so much attention it is unreal. We ended up having a good night. We hung out, laughed, vented, stayed up way too late and just enjoyed each other’s company. The real shocker is that we were able to get he child to sleep before 11:00 p.m. Though he woke up with me at 6:30 a.m. and had to go with me to drop his brother off at school. Now he is wreaking havoc in her living room. K if you read this, sorry, I promise I will clean it.

While my child is hammering on my nerves, I am pleased to announce, although toymageddon is on, there are Jenga blocks, scraps of paper, and popsicle sticks everywhere, the crumpocalypse is yet to be upon is, check back after lunch though, no promises that it won’t be here then. I have so much to do these days and not enough time to do any of it, at least that is how it feels. My Ex2 is playing some fucking games but I find it best not to discuss his pathetic attempts at victimhood right now. What he does to me is fair play, what he says about me isn’t my business thought he court is going to love the slander and defamation charge I hit him with when I discuss the abuse at length. I have nothing to be ashamed off and the receipts of his abuse will be on blast in that court room.

While I’m not 100%, I am anxious as hell but that could be the interview I have and the fact I’m not home, and my toddler is a terrorist. Makes it difficult to keep him chill in a new place when I am not one to negotiate with said terrorist and I am unfamiliar with this terrain. Good news is, he isn’t my first special needs child and this is not my first rodeo. I’m also not alone, not completely. K has to do work stuff, but she has been a huge help. Even just blocking him from the stairs before i get up or scolding him when I’m about to. It’s a huge help because I didn’t have to magically be in two places at once. Her son has also helped with my tiny asshole for a bit so I can get some peace and quite. The oldest has also been nowhere to be found because he is bugging K’s kid from the time we get here until bed time. It was nice, not going to lie. I’ll take the moments of want to rip my hair out stress with the moments of adult conversation, laughter, and ability to get out of my head while the PMDD nightmare shift finally ends.

Watching so much Mom has helped a lot, funny enough. The 12-step program isn’t one I used to quit drinking, but I know it works for some people, different strokes for different strokes, I am not one a leave it to Jesus type. The “take it one day at a time” advice is solid stuff though. That’s how I have been taking these whirl winds of insanity, one day at a time. Side note, shortest interview of my life. I guess it wasn’t 10:00 a.m. MST, but I tried and that is what counts. Look at me being positive again, it feels nice. I hate that PMDD makes it difficult to see that there is a bright side. It’s like the dark storm clouds aren’t just overhead, they’re shoving themselves down your throat, suffocating you from the inside out. When the PMDD workbook comes in, I’ll let you know know what the verdict on the book is when I work through it. I’ll be posting “chapters” like I do with the Narcissist Abuse Recovery Workbook.

As always, if you feel like you are alone, reach out, you aren’t. You might be crazy, you aren’t he only nut around these parts babe, you’re a part of a squirl fam and we keep track of our own. You. Are. Not. Alone. You. ARE. WORTH. It. Take it from me, this is one of the lowest points of my life, it wasn’t the first. I hope it is the last, but I’m still fighting for freedom and control of my life. Nothing is more important than that right now, my babies are the biggest part of that life. As are the friends I have made and people I decided are my family.