I think by this point I am going on about 3 weeks of no sleep, okay not NO sleep just enough for for the sleepless elite. Something I haven’t been since I got pregnant with the youngest. I can function on under 6 hours of sleep, but now I am a cuntbag and don’t want to. I am miserable when I don’t get enough sleep. I miss the days I could stay busy for 17 to 18 hours crash for 5 or 6 and get back to it. Now I want 10 a day but would settle for 7. Last night, no such luck, I slept on the couch and got less than 5 hours. Mama is tired, cranky, and in pain.

The past 4 or 5 days, I have been a scary mess. I posted about the potential for a self-harm relapse last night. in Falling Through the Cracks, but it’s more than that. I scared myself and those around me. I did also mention the PMDD a bit but why did it cause me to go so fucking crazy? It’s a dopamine surplus once a month when normally I am either at a deficit or normal levels. My body doesn’t know how to handle it and the PTSD comes into play. From the research I have done in the past, this condition is genetic and a bit of a PTSD kicker, you usually don’t have it without some from of PTSD or CPTSD, yay for us right? Your consolation prize for being abused and traumatized is this really difficult mental disorder it’s up to you to fix.

Who decided these rules? I never understood why it is my job to fix the damage other people did to me. I was raped, physically abused, mentally and emotionally abused, even financially. I was someone’s punching bag my whole life but it is up to me to fix the damage someone else did. Multiple somebodies, let’s be real, I was abused by a lot of people. I can’t pretend I wasn’t abusive in some ways when I was in survival mode, I was cut throat, there is no guaranteeing that I wouldn’t have been on Deadly Women for self defense or man slaughter when I was just trying to survive. With how bad both my mom and Ex 2 are, I almost killed them both and I would have been happy about it. When he got scared In was watching it again, he didn’t realize that he was an asshole and a piece of shit, the show calmed me, it didn’t give me ideas. That’s what the grim dark books were for.

The worst part is the mental clarity after the breakdowns, after the hatred, after, after, after…. You are left to pick up the pieces of the relationships you destroyed, the people you hurt, and if you’re a decent human it will get to you until you fix it with them or become a better person. Something I am trying to do and oofff the reflection on my behavior this weekend makes me upset with myself. I hate that this mental disorder isn’t just a feeling bad situation, it feels like your thought processes completely change. For me, when I am in PMDD it feels like my trauma brain is on full blast and I can’t, not don’t want to, CAN”T stop it. No matter what you say or do this bitch is a cynic and going to make you hate me or a cynic too. I like to compare it to the battle of Wanda and the Scarlet Witch in Multiverse of Madness, when she says Wanda isn’t here anymore and can’t stop the Scarlet Witch from taking her over, can see everything she is doing, is horrified by it, can’t do anything to control it or stop her. Just watching mortified at what her body is doing with another driver similar to her but more fucked up and traumatized behind the wheel.

Then of course, the mental clarity kicks in as I said. But not before you’ve ruined at least 2 relationships, make amends like an alcoholic in recovery and feel like you need a 12-step program and a meeting, though that could be my thought process at the moment because I’ve been binging Mom on Disney+ and memories of going with good old Grams to her AA meetings as a child are coming back to me now. Either way, I try to lay low and make sure I don’t do too much damage in PMDD, especially crisis but those are hard to stay alive in let alone not be an animal to the people you care for.

If you or someone you care about have PMDD please do the research, do the work, reach out for support. This mental disorder sucks and it is dangerous if you leave it unchecked. Most of my self-harm and suicide attempts were during a PMDD crisis, less during episodes but they can easily turn to a crisis if you’re not careful. Please don’t let yourself suffer alone or in silence. Reach out. Email me if you have no one else or just want to talk. I’m a great listener and I have some very good advice. You are not alone. I mean it. Someone cares even if it’s just my stranger ass online. I care, probably too much, but I never want anyone to feel as completely alone as I have in the past.