From the same book I worked on for the post Gaslighting, this is now week two of the Recovery Workbook with the longest name ever. But some of the interesting things I learned were that narcissists aren’t the only ones who use gaslighting they just favor it the most. People like cult leaders and dictators are also fans. While there ae about 5% of the population with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is a small number, it is one 1 of 10 personality disorders not just a type, it is a serious disorder (Nedelcu, 2024).

I’ll have to do some research on personality types vs. disorders for a later post. That sounds fascinating. In his book, Nedelcu quotes the first paragraph of the DSM-5 as to what the personality disorder is,” Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personality disorder where individuals have a grandiose sense of their own self-importance but are also extremely sensitive to criticism. They have little ability to empathize with others and they are more concerned with appearance than substance. It is characterized by arrogance, grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a tendency to exploit others. Individuals with this condition often have a sense of excess entitlement and may demand special treatment.” (Para 1). Interesting, is it not? Yeah I would say that defines my ex. I have said it before and I will say it again, the song “Labour” by Paris Paloma comes to mind every time I think of this man.

As with the last post, something about the examples triggered memories of the things he pulled and things he did to me. I’ll be using his actions as the examples again. Before I do, a little skip down memory lane, not like we were avoiding going down this road again anyway. While we’re still on the topic of triggers, he had a lot of them and they were easy to push. Someone was definitely hiding some very big insecurities, which was easy to tell every time I was the bread winner or “showed him up”. He would roast everyone around him then get pissed off that anyone dare criticize or roast him back.

The book also mentions narcissists feel empty or a lot of self hatred deep down, when he was high on psychedelics or weed he would admit to that emptiness, when he was sober, would admit that he hated himself and I remember asking him one day, “How do you expect to love someone else if you can’t even like yourself? How would you know what it is? I’m not saying LOVE yourself like you are the only thing that matters in the world I’m saying love yourself to be happy and make the right decisions for yourself. Hatred of your own being does fucked up things to your psyche, that is why it is usually a trauma voice. He told me that he doesn’t have to it all goes into me and the feeling I had when he said it was a warning and slight disgust, the abuse had started to show a lot more but still in very small ways by this point.

If you are the one responsible for a life and you loathe that person, how can you treat them kindly? Especially when that person is you, the meat suit YOU inhabit! I might be wrong but I feel that you need to at least be able to tolerate yourself if you are going to be happy and truly know love, as a severely traumatized individual, I can assure you that this is something I had to learn, I hated myself once upon a time too. I self-sabotaged, refused to do things I knew would help, played the victim, and more. Some of my survival traits were pretty toxic for a while there. I had to do a lot of work on myself and still am partially because of so much narcissistic abuse in my life.

Something that this book also repeatedly mentions is that; it doesn’t matter if you know what a narcissist is or have experience with them, we don’t always see the signs. In the beginning we may miss them or dismiss them but we are human. It is not your fault and you are not alone, that one hit home. NPD is a serious mental disorder(Nedeclu, 2024).

The List:

-Elaborate Sense Of Self Importance: He was the best at everything he did according to him, best artist, Norse Pagan, gamer, you name it. He could supposedly do it. I will give credit where it is do, he was pretty talented. He just got lazy and sloppy. The drugs were rotting his talent. The worse a piece was the more excited and proud of it he was, then wondered why he wasn’t getting any likes or views really. He demanded the most expensive paints then ended up wasting or ruining more than half of them, had to have every latest and greatest.

-Living in a Fantasy World: This man had supposedly traveled the globe, family called bullshit. Talked about insane sex stories he “did” when I taught him the kink he knows. Was an MMA fighter for Monster (how he traveled the globe) in high school but there’s no evidence, family also called bullshit. Was related to and best friends with someone famous, they talked all the time, never around me or his family. The stories were so many that I had lost count and never once in front of his family. What’s crazy is that without the lies he’s more interesting. Family worked for the circus, true, family collaborated it constantly. That is pretty fucking cool man.

-Demands Praise: Oh my gods this one was obnoxious. That man demanded a good boy for breathing. I’m not kidding it was EVERYTHING he wanted good boys for. If I didn’t, it was “Why did you ignore me?” or “baby, why didn’t you tell me good job?!” I would be bombarded for hours, calls got unbearable.

-An Overt Sense of Entitlement: Again he had to have everything. If i didn’t drain the bank account and pay the bills before he did, he would gladly do it for me. We were always broke, even if we shouldn’t have been. Somehow he always had new stuff even when we didn’t have money, people bought him things all the time. He worked and that was all he felt he had to do, he wanted me to cook, clean, take care of the kids, pay the bills, and everything else, which I did. Working was good enough for him, good for him but I was burned out and fucking exhausted.

Side note, here’s your fucking cookie. careful it’s poisoned with reality, rage, and vengeance. (Que Milk and Cookies by Melanie Martinez. Not really, but my new wet dreams have become beating his face in with a mallet or poisoning him with arsenic and Xlax, if I were a worse person….)

-Exploiting You Without Feeling Shame: He said anything and everything to embarrass me in front of our friends. Lied about me behind my back, anything to gain sympathy and ostracize me. I found out later that the reason his girls never wanted to meet me is because he started lying that I was the only one dating our partner, that was news to me. Said I was controlling him, I was to a degree but it’s more complicated than that, he wanted to take time away from the home and family to fuck around but wanted us home around the clock. It really didn’t help he would disappear for hours anyway, do what he wanted anyway. He tried to convince everyone I was psychotic and abusive instead, oh wait can’t say tried, still is trying. His newest lie is that I am helping the criminal get away with his charges and I beat the my Ex….clutching my pearls and laughing hysterically. I’m sorry, what?

-They Are Critically Demanding, and Bullies: Speaks for itself, but it’s true. I was in severe burn out to the point of fear of hospitalization and he didn’t care. My partner nursed me back to health, I got pregnant, and I ended up bedbound again, in and out of the hospital at the end for the fear of developing preclampsia and almost lost myself and the baby, got a pain pump and a major surgery done yet again ( C-section then tubal) just for him to treat me like a lazy lying cunt. When the man cold took him down for weeks at a time so he could be babied longer, his mom ratted him out for that one, not that I didn’t also catch on quick.

Of course, like with most mental health conditions, the causes of narcissism have been linking to several possible contributing factors such as genetics, individual’s personality and predisposition, childhood trauma, unhealthy relationships with relatives , and one I found really interesting, there has been a link to having hypersensitivity to light, sound and textures as a child (Nedeclu, 2024). I also found out there are 5 different types of narcissism, I thought there was overt and covert but there is also communitive, which just sounds like social justice autistics on steroids, aggressive and malignant. If you can have a combination I think that maybe he is covert and malignant or just malignant and hides it well in the beginning. Malignant is the sadistic kind and I would say what he is doing to me right now is fucking malicious.

Now there is some good news too, while a meaningful relationship with someone who has NPD is difficult, it is not impossible. Mine wouldn’t have been because I was already trying to get him to do all the things that would help, trauma therapy, medication, breathing exercises, art therapy. He didn’t want to do any of it. While I did my treatments, he mocked me, gaslit me, and treated me like trash. He got worse as I got better. Whether he wouldn’t hear me, or couldn’t hear me, he didn’t and refused. So I broke ties because I needed to.

Resources:

Nedelcu, A. (2024). Week 2- Let’s Understand What Narcissism, Gaslighting, and Emotional Abuse Are . In The Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Workbook. A 12- week master plan to Avoid the Gaslighting Affect and Break Free from Emotional Abuse (pp. 17-24). essay.

If you or your loved ones need help, stay safe and reach out to someone. there are resources everywhere. If you are scared and don’t know how. Send me a message, we will look together. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you have no one else, I am here. I am in the trenches too, I am with you in cyberspace and I have a big heart with listening ears and an open mind. I’ll be your crazy auntie.