His Secrets, My Pain

Welcome to the Freakshow, all survivors have a place here, so long as you behave.

Small Blessings

I started the morning unaware of how the day would unfold, it’s still early anything can happen. But yesterday I found a trinket that I thought was gone forever, I necklace I bought the partner when we got together. It found its way back to me almost 3 years later and I couldn’t help but take it as a sign someone is looking out for me and to have some hope.

Then I had a nightmare that felt so real it shooketh me when I awoke and found myself in my bed, everything normal, well for us. The dream was that my crazy ex came over in the middle of the night and tried to trick me to get inside my apartment. While he’s trying to fight his way inside, I am recoding myself saying everything that I know should get him to see reason and leave. End up fumbling with my phone to call the cops and wake up to the alarm.

When I rolled over to shut it off my oldest bound into the room and said ” I can go to school today, mom. I feel better.” He stayed home with a cough he couldn’t control that developed into a sore throat last night. With some allergy meds and gargling salt water before bed, he was ready as ever to go have fun at school. He’s one of those kids who loves to learn even if the ADHD gets in the way a bit. On the way to the mailbox, I saw a small blessing in my mailbox in the form of some money from the state, I thought I wouldn’t see a penny of my state taxes, so that 3 months’ worth of rent was enough for me to cry with relief.

With court, no childcare anymore, and a car that is on its literal last leg, I don’t know how I was going to manage any of this. I can find a work from home solution or someone to watch the kids, something with a little extra time. Since the beginning of the year, it’s felt like nothing is going right. I mean my whole life felt that way but nothing like this. I felt blindsided this time. Usually, I can see signs of bad things in advance. This one was a hindsight is 20/20 situation. I’m grateful for any wins I can get right now. I thank the people around me, helping me in one way or another for their strength and support, even words of kindness are a lot right now. Especially with the road ahead and a crazy stalker out to end me.

As Dory once said “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. What do we do? We swim. Swim. Swim!” (Finding Nemo, 2003).

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Alice
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About

Welcome to my version of a support group. An anonymous blog about surviving anything wild your life throws at you. This blog is a combination of commentary about women in media, how they relate to real women today, and a memoir of my healing journey after a major life altering event, finding out I’m being cyber stalked, and getting hit with everything and anything a person can be attacked with. I use media and dark humor to help me cope and I love having discussions especially nerdy media debates.

I’m a newly single mom in my 30s, sultry and salty, I have two children and the mouth of a quick witted sailor. What can I say we use fuck like a comma in this house. My story is filled with trauma, pain, what sounds like a grim dark thriller side plot, and funny enough resilience, beauty, love. So what was my solution to the suffering? Create an anonymous blog to share my story and keep my identity secret from my stalker as long as possible.

I want this to be a safe place for the unsafe; the neurodivergent, victims of abuse, sex trafficking, painfully introverted people, those who did their time for their crimes and are still treated like trash, the wrongfully accused with life in prison, innocent with no one believing them and their days of freedom long gone.

That being said, I will be flinging satire and dark humor at you like the abuse my ex so wonderfully shoved down my throat. When you live like I have, the darkness becomes armor the humor an addiction you can’t ween off of, it becomes your coping skill and I don’t know about you, I love it.

This memoir meets commentary is going to be going into some of the media I love the most, the things that feel like they are coming true right now, that I relate to most as a woman on the edge. I think most of the women in child bearing age range can see how the Handmaid’s Tale is becoming a patriarchal wet dream turned reality nightmare with Fascism on the rise.

So I am here, offering a hand to those drowning, feeling alone, saying Welcome to my Freakshow, all are welcome here, as long as we can be respectful of others, no hate speech, no bullying, no soliciting. Feel free to stay anonymous or shout your name from the rooftops. Abusers will be immediately banned, I don’t tolerate that behavior, don’t ruin it for others.

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