It might just be me, and if it is please don’t hesitate to comment below, lately it feels like wanting it all is just villainous. Now I’m not talking about having your cake and eating it too, that’s just silly. No, I mean you can have the family or the career or the love or the social life. Balance is always difficult to find but lately, even having everything to balance is difficult. We’re living in a world where money is all and GOD is everywhere, gross. I’m more spiritual but my religion would be Paganism, that isn’t what this post is about just stating a fun fact. The whole point of my ramblings is to be personal and talk about the hard shit without being all doom and gloom all the time.

Any who, what was more bugging me was that it feels like, and again this could just be me, everything feels so impossible to grasp. Being single right now is a nightmare, thinking about dating is worse. Job market is a joke and a half, not a funny one at that but a real scam if you know what I mean. The price of everything, I’m not even going to mention those things chickens lay or we are going to be here with me ranting all day. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Though side note, if you’re loving what I’m typing then there is more where that came from!

But if you think about it, most, NOT all, most rich people lied, cheated, and stole to get to the top. I can’t say I haven’t been in desperate enough stations that I wouldn’t at least be tempted if the offer arose. More so that they haven’t and as desperate as I have been, I’ve still tried to do things the honest way. For some reason, taking longer to be successful just feels like code for, you have to do the ugly for the rewards. Doesn’t even have to be a good reward just anything to not feel stuck in purgatory forever. Waiting for the other shoe to drop when you’re hanging onto what you have left for dear life and your arms are getting tired. Will getting weaker.

Again, not saying being the demonic whore some of my exes make me out to be is something I want. Just that if the reputation is ruined and the halo is tarnished, fuck ’em. If there is a lesson I have FINALLY learned, it’s that other people’s opinions of me are their own fucking business and none of my concern. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, who cares what makes me happy? I don’t take up much space and I don’t ask much of others, definitely nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do myself. So then why does it feel like wanting success without killing someone, namely myself with work or you know, ganking someone to get arrested and write a tell all, is impossible these days? Sad when it feels like the monstrous desire is to just have a balanced life without it costing your soul and every waking moment of your time.

That doesn’t feel like too much to ask, so why does it feel like it is a dangerous risk trying to achieve it? Could be that America is a capitalist hellscape turned fascist regime, or that it feels like there is an internment camp with my name on it if they follow through with their plans, or that I’m a woman in a very dangerous world and I have others to protect. Maybe it’s my stalker. Who knows? Could be all of it. the pressure is real, so is the trauma and the battle cry screaming this is my will to survive.