There comes a time where enough chaos ensues for you to throw your hands up and call it quits. But that’s the weird thing about breaking points, they either destroy or define you. I’ve had my fair share of them, I’ve been dealt the hand of chaos incarnate for years, I swear it follows me at this rate. Now there are obstacles of thinks like; the job market isn’t great, I lost my child care, my partner, and I have court for the foreseeable future, for one thing or another. When the event, incident, whatever you want to call it happened, I was shooketh! Oh my gods, my world crumbled, and yet Earth kept spinning. My head pounded for weeks because of all the crying, however, I’m still here. I guess it didn’t destroy me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still weak moments. I get brought back to the shit sandwich my life is right now and I stress, it’s a wonder my hair isn’t falling out my dudes. ( I use dude gender neutral style, everyone is dude.) I’m stressed about finances like most people in this country at the moment, trying to build a few things, find a stable job from home but nothing is hiring. I really didn’t ask for any of this, it could have happened to anyone, that nobody just happened to be me. I’ll take it head on like I have been this whole time. I still feel that weird serenity (Look back at yesterday’s post “Could This Be Serenity” for more context.) even when the anxiety starts to act up.

If I’m honest it’s more stress about the future, the present, mixed with some heartache. I’m faced with some serious realities that feel so surreal, that they can’t be true, can they? They are. I’ve been trying to force myself not to think to hard about my situation or how the actions of myself and those around me lead to these moments. That’s almost impossible to do when chaos is reigning champion and your life unfolds like a novel. There are still happy moments, still reasons to live, it isn’t all doom and gloom all the time. There’s just a whirlwind of things happening around me, it’s hard not to get sucked in sometimes.

As Megara would say “I’m a big tough girl, I can tie my own sandals and everything.” (Hercules, 1996) it’s as true for me as it was for her, along with “I’m a damsel, I’m in destress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.” (Hercules, 1996) that definitely covers my situational dilemma. Unlike Meg getting swooped up in Hercules, I’m going to have to rescue myself. If I’ve learned anything from my life it’s that if you rescue a damsel in destress you get a distressed damsel, that woman still has PTSD, get her some coping skills and therapy, maybe a blankie. Anyway, all I can say is that I’m moving forward best I can, not giving up, not backing down from the challenge, I will find a way to rise to the occasion, I always do. This won’t be my breaking point, not this time.